Graceless
by pl2363
Summary: A divide between Drift and Perceptor throws into question their relationship to one another and their family unit as a whole. *MPREG, sparkling, bonding*
1. Undone

Title: Graceless - Undone

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/G1

Rating: M (interfacing)

Warnings: M-preg, sparkling (OC), interfacing of the sticky variety

IDW based but definitely A/U. References to Drift back-story from IDW.

Title borrowed from "Shake it Out" by Florence + the Machine, which is the main inspirational song for this fic.

"And given half the chance,  
Would I take any of it back?  
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone  
It's always darkest before the dawn," … 'Shake it Out' by Florence + the Machine

* * *

Everything had come completely undone. Drift sat in the commissary of the transport ship he now worked on. It had been two stellar cycles since he'd fled from what should have been a wonderful life with his bondmate and new sparkling. A sparkling he'd had the honor of carrying to separation. A perfect little being that Perceptor insisted be built with Drift's frame design but that he'd made sure was mainly red in color. Drift still remembered the thrill of holding their little creation for the first time, a small vulnerable new life staring up at him with such wonder. A life so full of potential.

That wasn't all he remembered, though. Unwanted, violent thoughts started to surface only days after the separation, draining away his initial joy. He'd hold their creation and think things like, what would it feel like to crush his delicate plating? Or how hard would it be to extinguish his tiny spark? Thoughts that deeply disturbed him, thoughts he found he no control over.

Wincing, Drift knocked back a fifth cube of high grade, emptying the cube's contents with a few greedy gulps. He set the emptied container next to the other four. As the spiked fuel joined the previous four cube's worth in his conversion tank, heat flashed over his plating and his processor's haze thickened. High grade was the only way to numb the pain. The only way to escape his thoughts. His memories.

He pulled out a small datapad, turning it on. Each day he wrote or drew something for their sparkling. He had no clue if he'd even ever seem them again, or if Perceptor would ever forgive him for leaving without warning or explanation. Still, each day he made sure to add to the journal of sorts he'd started. He opened a new file and put in a short phrase,'Missing you hasn't gotten any easier'. Air escaped his intakes with a soft sigh as he stared at his short message. He then saved the file and turned the pad back off, subspacing it.

The violent thoughts he had spread over the course of only an orn to not just include fantasies of harming or killing their sparkling, but of also maiming or hurting Perceptor. It was as if darkness had taken hold of his spark. The same darkness he'd felt so long ago in the battle field trenches, killing without regard to life, ripping apart mechs and putting out their sparks without a shred of regret. How had he reverted to that out of control mech he'd once been?

"Hey there, good looking." A fellow crewmate said as he took a seat at the small table Drift was at. He was larger than Drift, but nothing he couldn't handle.

Drift frowned at the unwanted company. In all this time, the love he felt for Perceptor remained as strong as it had the night they bonded. The night they'd accidentally gotten sparked. He had zero interest in fragging one of the afts on this ship.

"Aww, don't be like that." The mech scooted his seat dangerously close to Drift.

Being inebriated might make other mechs more pliable when it came to unwanted advances, but for Drift it only managed to take the edge off his pain and quiet the memories that haunted him. "I'm only going to say this once: Go away."

The mech leaned into Drift's personal space, his purple optics sharply focusing on him. "Now, now. No need to be rude." He then slid an arm around Drift's shoulders, lightly fingering his plating. "We all need to blow off steam once in a while. Two stellar cycles on this ship and yet you've barely spoken more than a few words to anyone."

Drift narrowed his optics. "Remove your arm, or I will."

The mech's lips curled into a smirk. "So feisty." The mech reached up, taking hold of Drift's chin. "And so pretty."

Without another word of warning, Drift moved in a fluid motion, removing the hand from his chin, jumping to his feet and slamming the mech's head down onto the tabletop so hard it jostled the emptied containers. He firmly held the mech in place by the neck with one hand, and then tapped his hip sword sheath. "I'm carrying three swords. If you _ever_ touch me again, expect one of these swords to remove whatever body part you dare to put anywhere near me. That includes your head." Drift leaned down, locking gazes with the mech squirming in his grip. "Understood?"

The mech nodded. "Now let me go you crazy fragger!"

Drift lifted him up by the neck and shoved him to the floor. The mech rubbed at his neck as he glared up at him.

"Don't ever come near me again." Drift turned and exited the commissary.

Walking toward the barracks, his spark silently ached in his chest. It had been two stellar cycles since he'd joined this transport ship's crew, and two stellar cycles since he'd seen his sparkling and Perceptor. He wondered how they were, what his sparkling looked like now, if Perceptor resented him… Missing them really only got worse with each passing day, not better. The high grade in his system only fuzzed out the otherwise sharp edges of pain he lived with.

He stumbled into his assigned quarters, landing front first on his berth in his tiny room. Dimming his optics, he gave into the effects of the spiked fuel. His plating was hot, while his head swam in a strange nether space between numbness and regret. Why had he felt so violent toward his sparkling and mate? He loved them… what the frag was wrong with him? He grimaced and then offlined his optics, seeking escape as he passed out.

…

Perceptor stared at a sample of metal collected from Cybertron's surface through his microscope lens while in his alt mode. The contamination on this most current set of samples showed signs of degradation. These were encouraging results.

Megatron had vanished. Most of the Autobots suspected Starscream had done something to him. Whether he had or not, Optimus took the opportunity that was presented and agreed to a cease-fire, leading to an uneasy peace between the factions. Due to their eons long war and the weaponry used, their home world was left contaminated and swarming with the Hoard of mutant insecticons. Perceptor and other scientists worked on finding a way to purify the surface, while teams of fighters were dispatched to work on eradicating the mutants running rampant across the planet. This was a slow process, however. In the meantime, the Autobots took refuge on one of the Cybertron's moons, and the Decepticons on the other.

"This sample is much cleaner than the ones from the last test batch," Skyfire commented from his worktable. "How does yours look, Percy?"

Perceptor transformed back to his robot mode. "The contamination is reduced significantly." He picked up the small dish with the sample and secured it on the shelf beside his own workstation.

"Seems that machine you and Wheeljack worked on did its job," Skyfire said as he glanced at Perceptor.

"Small doses of Beta-wave energy would appear to be having the desired effect. This will take considerable time, though. The machine's radius of effect is quite small in comparison to the size of our planet," Perceptor replied with a small frown.

"Hey, progress is progress." Skyfire smiled.

A quick check of the time told Perceptor he needed to head out to retrieve his sparkling from Ratchet and Wheeljack's care. They had offered to help Perceptor any way they could with rearing his sparkling, Swift, in the wake of Drift's disappearance. Being a single parent to a sparkling was not an easy task, but Perceptor knew it would be even harder if not for his good friends who'd essentially become family over the last two stellar cycles.

"I must leave for the day," Perceptor commented casually as he finished cleaning up his work area.

"All righty. See ya tomorrow. Say 'Hi' to Swift for me," Skyfire replied.

Perceptor nodded, then left the lab. As he traversed the halls back toward the barracks, his mind wandered. Each day he made this trek he would inevitably start thinking about Drift. Some days his thoughts would provoke anger at being left alone to raise Swift. Other days an infinite sadness would permeate his spark with a sense of loss. Today he wondered why. Why had Drift left them? Had Perceptor done something wrong and not known? Was Drift simply the type of mech never meant to be tied down? Perceptor was beginning to think he might never learn the answer to 'why'. One day in the not-so-distant future Swift will ask about his missing father. When that day comes, what will Perceptor tell him?

He vaguely shook his head and sighed. Uncertainty was something he'd never dealt well with.

Arriving at his friend's quarters, he palmed the door open. They'd granted him access since he and Swift spent so much time here. He walked in to see Ratchet lounging on the couch and Swift on the floor with Wheeljack, surrounded by toy cars.

Swift pushed two cars along the floor, making engine sounds for them as Wheeljack pushed two along just behind him.

"Hey, Percy," Ratchet said, half-smiling.

"Hello," Perceptor replied as he walked in.

Swift's concentration on playing broke once he heard Perceptor's voice. "Dad!" He hopped up, abandoning the toys to run over and throw himself at Perceptor, hugging him around his leg. Perceptor leaned down and picked Swift up, shifting his smaller weight around and holding him on his hip. "Hello there," he said as he gave his sparkling a small squeeze. "Have a good day?"

Swift nodded. "I played cars with Wheeljack all day!"

"You certainly did," Wheeljack said with a chuckle.

Perceptor pressed a kiss to Swift's little helm. Swift's optics dimmed and he curled up against his sans-microscope shoulder. The love he felt for Swift was so intense and unlike anything he'd ever felt before. He gazed at the small being in his arms, knowing no other mech in his life would ever touch his spark the way Swift did. He'd go to the ends of the universe for him, sacrifice and endure anything to be sure his sparkling had a good life.

"Would you two like to stay for a little while and have some energon with us?" Ratchet asked as he got to his feet.

Swift perked up in Perceptor's grip, his optics brightly shining. "Can we?" he asked Perceptor.

"Of course," Perceptor replied with a small smile reserved only for Swift. He moved to the couch and sat down. Swift wriggled free of his grip, moving to sit on Perceptor's lap.

Ratchet handed Wheeljack a cube, then offered one to Perceptor. He then held out a smaller one that was tinted a deep purple to Swift. "I made it sweet for you," Ratchet said as he carefully handed it off to Swift's tiny hands.

"Thank you, Ratchet," Perceptor said.

"Sure thing." Ratchet lowered himself to sit beside them.

Perceptor gently prodded his sparkling who was busily drinking his liquid fuel. "What do you say?"

Swift paused and glanced at Ratchet. "Thank you!"

"You're more than welcome," Ratchet replied with a little laugh.

Swift grinned at Ratchet then resumed gulping down his sweetened energon. As soon as he finished he turned in Perceptor's lap, clutching the empty container to his chest. "Done."

Perceptor finished his sip, then smiled. "I see that."

Wheeljack also finished off his serving and got to his feet. He held out his hand to Swift. "I'll take that."

His sparking handed the empty container off, then moved to curl up against Perceptor's chest, optics dimming. Perceptor lightly patted Swift's back and within moments his sparkling's optics went dark as he slipped into a light recharge.

"Skipped naptime earlier," Ratchet commented as he gazed at Swift.

"Playtime took over, hm?" Perceptor continued to lightly run his fingers over Swift's small backplates.

"Yeah. He was really into having races," Wheeljack said as he sat himself down on the floor in front of them. "You taking him when they open that race track up?"

Perceptor nodded. "Would the two of you like to attend with us?"

"Sure!" Wheeljack excitedly agreed. "Swift is gonna love it."

Part of why he'd insisted on Drift's body design, aside from the general beauty of it, was to be sure his sparkling wasn't trapped in a body like his own. Inside his sparkling beat a spark clearly half created by Drift. It peeked out in his personality traits, and was most apparent when it came to his love of all things fast.

A quiet conversation between Ratchet and Wheeljack about the new track and their attempts to return to a normal life filled the air. Perceptor liked listening to them, though he rarely took part in the conversations they'd kept his gaze pinned on his sparkling. This wasn't how he'd envisioned his family life would be, but it had a charm and comfort he'd adapted to. His friends helped keep things feeling stable and as normal as possible. He took great comfort in the support they offered him and Swift.

Unfortunately, a part of him would always feel hollow so long as Drift remained missing. The note Drift left behind on a datapad was burned into his memory:

_I'm sorry. I can't do this. I love you both too much. –Drift_

He didn't understand it now any better than he did back then. Time had done nothing but caused the pain in his spark to grow. Part of him resented Drift, hated him for what he'd done. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to forgive him. Yet, there was a small piece of him that longed for and even still loved Drift. No matter what was going on inside him, though, Perceptor had learned to push it all down deep and move forward with life. His needs were secondary to his sparkling's. Swift came first, _always_.

…

The transport ship had docked to pick up a payload of building materials. After all this time bouncing around in space, they were nearing Cybertron again. Drift tried not to think about it, though. Instead, he moved in a hung over daze from point A to point B, carrying crates of unidentified items onto the ship.

Walking back out into the docking area he noticed a crane being prepped to move a payload of metal beams. Seemed like a small space to try and use a crane in, but it wasn't his job to think. All he was supposed to do was mindlessly move things. He picked up the next set of crates and started back toward the ship's hold.

A smaller mech jogged up to him. "Hey! I heard you gave Piledriver the scare of his life last night."

Drift paused, giving the smaller mech a dark look.

"Well… I just wanted to thank you. 'Cause he totally took advantage of me a few orns ago. I was too drunk to fight him off," the smaller mech explained.

Drift's gaze softened. "Why didn't you report him?"

The smaller mech's optics brightened. "Yeah right! He's the Captain's younger brother. Anyway, thanks for giving him what he deserves." The mech turned and headed down the ramp to the loading area.

Drift stood for a moment, watching the smaller mech pick up some of the metal sheets to move. He realized that with the rotating crew and his own general state of isolation, he had no clue what half the names of the mechs aboard were, including the small mech. Of course, it was hard to force himself to care about anything or anyone.

He turned away, proceeding inside the hold again with his crates. Just as he set them down he heard shouting. Glancing down the ramp he saw crewmates backing away from something out of his line of sight. He furrowed his brow, then made his way down the ramp to see what was going on.

The top of crane they were using had gotten lodged in the ceiling of the dock area. The controller was swinging it back and forth to dislodge it, but in the process was knocking over stacked crates. Drift frowned. It was amazing to him that such dim-witted mechs were allowed near such potentially dangerous equipment.

"Help! Someone! Anyone!"

Drift walked down the ramp further toward the cry for help. It was then he saw the same small mech trapped under a pile of crates the crane had toppled over. The other crewmates weren't willing to go anywhere near the crane to help him, though.

"Afts," Drift muttered as he pushed past the small group that had gathered.

"What are you doing? That crane is out of control!" shouted one of the onlookers.

Drift ignored the warning, hopping over the tumbled debris. He made his way to the small mech, and hauled the crates off him.

The smaller mech gazed up at Drift with awe. "Thank you!"

The crane made a loud creak and the ceiling it was wedged into started to visibly buckle. Drift shoved the smaller mech. "Go!"

They both took off running. Drift hopped over the fallen crates and obstacles with ease. Ahead of him the gathered mechs had started to back up and scatter. The smaller mech transformed into his vehicle mode and due to his compact size easily drove off, swerving around anything in his way. Drift didn't have that as an option, relying on his sensitive hearing and visual field to guide him away from the collapsing ceiling.

A loud crash behind him, told him he needed to move quickly. He hopped a pile of crates and glanced over his shoulder seeing sections of the ceiling falling down and the crane swinging wildly as it toppled sideways.

Drift ran as fast as he could toward the cover of the cargo hold of the ship, but he was suddenly stopped cold in his tracks. He tried to move, but found he couldn't. A delayed flair of pain suddenly crackled over his sensory net. With wide optics he looked down at the epicenter of his pain. A metal beam had impaled him and was jutting outward from his abdomen. He touched it in complete disbelief. Energon and mech fluids poured down his front and legs. It felt slippery and warm over his paneling. Just about every warning possible crossed his processor as his body initiated a shut down.

'_I suppose dying would solve my problems,'_ he thought as he offlined.

…

_Drift never imagined his affection would be returned. Perceptor had been so traumatized by his near death that he'd kept everyone at emotional arms length. Drift's feelings silently grew romantic in nature while he maintained a close friendship with, he never dared cross the carefully drawn lines that surrounded his friend. Following an intense battle they'd survived, Drift found he could no longer hide his growing attraction and somewhat awkwardly admitted to Perceptor he was falling for him one evening. His admission led to a kiss that had ignited the heated relationship they now found themselves in. _

_Drift lightly ran his fingers over Perceptor's plating. Tracing the long lines of his elegant frame and gazing at the lovely mech currently occupying his berth. He bent down, pressing a kiss to the center of Perceptor's chestplate, over where his spark lay beneath. Perceptor nervously bit at his lip, but he said nothing. _

_Drift glanced up at him and smiled. "If you want to wait, I don't mind." They had flirted and kissed since starting down this relationship road, but this was the first evening they'd agreed to spend together. _

_Perceptor dimmed his optic. "I'm just not used to this. It's been… quite a long while for me."_

"_Me, too." Drift canted his head. "You rather do this another night?"_

_Shaking his head, Perceptor retracted his interface panel cover. Drift's attention shifted to it, seeing the port was already dewy. "I want to give this part of me to you. Only you,"Perceptor said in a softened voice._

_Glancing back up at Perceptor, Drift dimmed his optics. The trust Perceptor was placing in him was an incredible gift he felt honored to receive. "Percy…"_

_Drift scooted back, and gently pushed Perceptor's legs apart, kneeling between them. He bent forward, and ran his glossa over the exposed jack. It jerked slightly at the stimulation, and Perceptor's fingers dug into the berth's surface as he tensed. Drift smiled then licked it again, this time keeping his gaze pinned on Perceptor's face. Perceptor's mouth gaped open and his optic and light behind his eyeglass flickered as he quietly moaned. Drift's entire frame heated at the sight. Primus, Perceptor was beautiful._

_Soon his hand replaced his glossa, fingers stroking and squeezing Perceptor's jack so he could dip his glossa inside the heated port below. The moment he slid his glossa inside, Perceptor's legs started to tremble. "D-drift… That is n-not necessary."_

_Ignoring the stammered comment, he pressed his glossa deep inside the port. It was hot and wet. Perceptor's port walls flexed and contracted, as more lubricant coated the inside. Drift offlined his optics, focusing on the pungent and almost sweet taste rolling over his glossa. His own desire started to peak, and he undid his own interface cover to let loose his jack, which was very much online. _

"_D-Drift, stop… I'll over—" Perceptor arched and cut himself off with a whining moan as he made a half-sparked attempt to squirm away from Drift's probing glossa. _

_Drift pulled back and sat upright, smiling broadly at Perceptor. "Sorry." He let go of Perceptor's jack and started to massage his own. "You make it easy to get carried away."_

_Perceptor looked vaguely embarrassed as he dimmed his optic. Drift happily took in the lovely view of Perceptor's usually uptight demeanor, having come completely undone before his optics, beautifully sprawled out before him, exposed and vulnerable. _

_Perceptor then sheepishly smiled. "Having been a while, I'm afraid this may not last very long."_

"_I wouldn't worry too much." Drift moved forward, carefully lying over top of Perceptor. "I plan on being with you until my last spark pulse. And since I don't plan on dying anytime soon or letting you die so long as I'm around, that means we have our lifetimes to do this as much as we want." With that, he gently rolled his hips forward, pressing his jack inside the opposing heated port where he paused, allowing a moment for Perceptor's body to adjust to him. _

_Perceptor's hands grasped at Drift's sides, fingers digging into his plating as he let out a sharp gasp. "I see," Perceptor replied, his voice sounding strained. "You have it all worked out, then?"_

_Drift nodded as they stared at one another with a shared lustful gaze. Drift dipped his head down, and their lips met in a searing kiss. Slowly, he started to pump his jack in and out of the slicked port. With each thrust inside, his jack was squeezed tightly, which felt incredible. In no time he felt himself quickly barreling towards a climax himself. _

_Soon, Perceptor broke their kiss,moaning and rolling his helm back against the berth. His port tightly contracted as his whole frame began to quiver. Drift moaned in return, his body trembling as an overload blossomed inside him. Drift pushed himself deep inside Perceptor, their linked bodies overloading as one shuddering mass. Heat rippled throughout his systems, followed by a discharge of built up energy and mech fluids. _

_As the overload finished its crest over them, their tangled frames sunk into a heated pile on the berth. Drift lie over Perceptor, completely limp and happily swimming in the small after shocks of pleasure pulsing through him as a lovely euphoria permeated his processor. _

"_That was quite short…" Perceptor said in a ragged voice. _

"_And sweet," Drift added as he twisted his head to press a kiss to Perceptor's chin. _

"_Certainly so," Perceptor replied with a small smile. _

_That small smile was another perk Drift had earned. Something Perceptor only seemed to share with him when they were alone. _

"_Percy?"_

"_Hm?"_

"_I love you," Drift said, trying to convey how much he meant those words._

_Perceptor weakly hugged Drift with one arm. "And I love you."_

.~.~.~.

Drift's optics flared on and he quietly gasped as a sharp pain gripped his spark. Wincing, he was barely able to control his urge to cry in response to the memory file. Their first time interfacing had been about so much more than sharing an overload. It had been about putting trust in one another. Tears pooled on his optics as he fought to gain control over his emotions. He missed Perceptor so much. Everything about him had brought such comfort and stability to Drift's otherwise tumultuous existence. Wing had given him his hope back, but Perceptor had made him believe in second chances and the true power love had.

The sounds of a pinging and beeps echoed, and Drift slowly let reality focus in around him. A quick glance around told him he was in the ship's medbay in a berth currently cordoned off by a curtain.

He then remembered the metal beam that had impaled him and touched his abdomen. A thick piece of mismatched plating was in place, blocking the hole. He felt only a faint pulse of pain from the injury, though. The medical berth must have been set to reduce his pain levels. Too bad it did nothing for the ache in his spark. He frowned, remembering the sight of the metal beam jutting out of his middle. "How am I not dead?" he said softly.

"'Cause I'm a really good medic despite this slagging medbay I have to work with," said a disembodied voice. The curtain parted, revealing the ship's medic. "You were a fragged up disaster, and you're still gonna need the medics on the Autobot moon to properly repair the plating, but I salvaged your damaged systems." The medic looked proud of his work as he placed a hand on his hip and gazed at Drift's abdomen.

Autobot moon. Drift was returning to the place he'd run from. That was when he realized something else was different after the repairs. His processor didn't feel bogged down with unwanted thoughts, like his control had been given back to him. "What did you do to my processor?"

"Oh, yeah. I have no slagging idea how you were even walking around like that. The electrical pulses were off the charts. I reset them all to normal range. I also emptied your fuel tank of that nasty slag they call 'high grade' on this ship." The medic deeply frowned at Drift.

"Electrical pulses?" Drift asked, trying to understand. "There was something _physically_ wrong with my processor?"

"Yeah." The medic then narrowed his optics. "Didn't you notice that you weren't thinking clearly? Or were you too fragging drunk?"

Drift had been drinking to keep the dark thoughts away. Masking what had apparently been symptoms. He had no idea. The gravity of the realization slowly sunk in. "I was drinking to numb myself."

The medic's optics brightened. "You really didn't know something was wrong with you?"

"I knew something was wrong, I just assumed it was just how I am." Drift dimmed his optics. "What would have caused my electrical levels to do that?"

The medic then canted his head at Drift. "There are lots of causes. I assumed it was your drinking. It puts stress on your systems to process, and they compensate in odd ways sometimes."

Drift stared at the medic with bright optics. "Stress? Would carrying a sparkling do that?"

The medic nodded, then he suddenly looked deeply concerned. "Wait, you were sparked?"

"Two stellar cycles ago."Drift vaguely shook his head as he stared blankly at the curtain. "I was afraid I might hurt my sparkling or mate, so I left them." Saying it out loud felt odd. He hadn't admitted to anyone that he'd felt violent toward them before. The regret of not knowing something was physically wrong with him caused his spark to practically twist in his chest.

The medic's concerned look morphed in a sad frown. "Wow. Yeah. It can happen to carriers." The medic lightly patted Drift's arm. "But, you're fine now. Just tell 'em what happened."

Drift looked back up at the medic. "If only it were that simple."

The medic softly sighed. "Well, I dunno your situation, but seems to me any reasonable mech would be understanding. First thing you should do is try and talk to him."

Drift nodded, but he knew Perceptor. It had taken time and persistence to finally be trusted and he knew in his mate's view, Drift had broken that trust. He had no idea if it could be repaired, but the medic was right. He had to at least reach out and try to right things between them. The question was: would Perceptor be willing to listen?

…

Perceptor held his sparkling on his hip as he walked back toward their quarters after picking him up from his friends' care. Swift drove his favorite toy car, white with red stripes along the sides, over Perceptor's chest plate, making 'vroom' sounds.

"Am I the race track?" Perceptor asked, amused.

"Until we get back, yeah," Swift replied as he pushed the car up and along Perceptor's shoulder.

"Are you excited to visit the new race track tomorrow for the opening?" Perceptor asked.

Swift's optics brightened. "Yeah! Wheeljack and Ratchet will come, too, right?"

He laughed at his sparkling's enthusiasm. "Yes, they most certainly will," he replied as they reached the door to their quarters and palmed it open. He set Swift on his pedes once inside, and watched him run off to his room.

"Can I play out there?" Swift yelled.

"Yes, but only a few toys," Perceptor replied.

Swift returned with an armload of his toy cars, grinning at Perceptor. "This many okay?"

Primus, he was too cute to resist. Perceptor nodded. "As long as you pick them all up before I put you down for the night."

"Yay!" Swift ran into the center of the living area, plopping down on the floor in front of the couch and dumping the cars down in front of him, some of which went rolling in various directions.

Perceptor then noticed his console on the other side of the living area blinking with a message. That was odd. The only mechs he talked to these days were Ratchet & Wheeljeck, and they'd comm him before messaging him. Perhaps it was something regarding his research. He carefully stepped over Swift and his toys and sat down at the console.

He typed in his passcode and the message box opened on screen. He tapped it to open the file, which revealed an attached video message and the name of the sender: Drift.

Perceptor froze. He could do nothing more than stare at the screen and his mate's name displayed. After all this time, Drift was contacting him? Why now?

"Dad?"

Perceptor glanced at his sparkling on the floor, watching him intently.

"Something wrong?" Swift asked, his small face pinched with a look of worry.

"No, no. Everything is fine. You go on and play, all right?" Perceptor said, trying to pull himself together.

Swift looked unconvinced and his posture sunk as he continued to stare at Perceptor.

Not wanting to upset him, Perceptor decided viewing the message could wait until Swift was recharging. He got up from the console and moved to sit on the edge of the couch. Swift kept his gaze pinned on Perceptor, and didn't resume playing. He just sat there and fingered the white car in his grasp.

"Swift…" Perceptor slid off the couch and sat on the floor. "I'm all right. I promise."

Swift shook his head, then crawled over and pushed his way onto Perceptor's lap, curling up against him. "Can we watch broadcasts?" Swift asked.

"Sure." Perceptor reached over grabbing the remote off the nearby end table. He clicked on the screen inset in the wall of their small home. Blaster had insisted on integrating the televised world humans lived in when they worked to re-establish a functioning society. He'd put together historical videos, and also aired some of the human's shows. Swift's favorite broadcasts were the animations from Earth Blaster acquired.

Swift settled against Perceptor, rolling his toy car against his small hands as he stared at the animated Earth animals running around on screen. It was honestly a welcome distraction. Anything to not fall apart in front of Swift.

After watching a few recorded animations, Perceptor could see Swift was struggling to stay online. Each time his optics started to dim, he'd shake himself awake again.

"Perhaps it's time to rest, my little one,"Perceptor said as he gently squeezed Swift.

Swift whined. "One more?"

"You can watch more tomorrow." Perceptor scooped Swift up in his arms, cradling against his chest him like he'd done when he was much smaller. Swift smiled up at him with dimmed optics.

He carried him into his room and deposited him on the small berth. Swift curled up, holding the toy car to his chest. "Stay with me 'til I offline? Pleeeease?"

Perceptor sat down on the edge of his berth. "Of course."

He reached out and lightly ran his fingers over Swift's back in comforting motions. Swift didn't last much longer, his optics going dark and his small frame going limp, the toy car slipping out of his grasp and settling beside him.

For a while, Perceptor sat there with him, gazing at this amazing little creation that had changed his life. He didn't like that Swift was able to pick up on his mood shifts so easily. He didn't want Swift to know about the pain he contended with. He wanted him to be happy and worry-free, but as he got older it was getting harder for Perceptor to hide his emotions from him.

Glancing at the doorway, he knew he needed to face whatever message Drift had sent to him. No matter how much he just wanted to curl up on the berth with his sparkling and pretend no message awaited him. He quietly got to his feet and walked out, closing the door behind him. He crossed the living area and sat down at the console. The file remained open, waiting to be played. Reluctantly, he tapped the screen, starting the message.

Drift appeared in the center. He looked ragged and tired. His optics were washed out and light in hue. Nothing like the dashing, romantic image Perceptor had been thinking of all this time.

After a deep sigh of air, Drift spoke. "Hey Percy. I…don't even know what to say, or where to start. I just—" He vaguely frowned. "I just need to reach out to you. Tell you and our sparkling how sorry I am. I didn't know what was happening to me at the time. All I knew is that I wanted to protect you both and by staying I was endangering you. The medic here was treating me for something else when he noticed my processor's electrical levels wasn't right. Something about being a carrier made them jump abnormally high." Drift's gaze at the camera dropped down. "It was fueling aggression in me. Making my thoughts…dark. I was having urges to harm you and Swift." He then looked back up. "I just couldn't take the chance I might go through with it, that I might hurt either one of you, so I left. If I'd known…" Drift winced, his voice growing hoarse. "Things would be different, but they aren't. I fragged up." Drift paused, appearing to collect himself. "They are sending me to the Autobot moon for the remainder of my repairs. I desperately want to see you both. I hope you'll agree to meet me. Again. I'm _so_ sorry, Percy." Drift reached out, pressing his fingertips to the screen. "I'm sorry and I still love you," he said, his optics glossy. "Even if you hate me forever for running off, I'll still love you." The video cut out after that.

Something inside Perceptor broke. All his pent up emotions washed through him. Anger, hurt, loss… Tears pooled on his optics and escaped down his cheeks as he finally gave in the grief that he'd learned to simply live with and never show. He pressed his face into his hands as he let sobs wrack his frame. Two stellar cycles of being alone, of not knowing why, of trying to push on despite how emotionally crippled he felt.

The answers had finally come, but now he felt more broken than ever.

Perceptor couldn't even process it all. Drifts words, his face blurred in his mind as he staggered away from the console, nearly slipping on the toy cars still scattered about. He curled up on the couch on his side and continued to quietly cry. His repressed pain surfaced for the first time in two stellar cycles, and there was no escaping it. It took him over leaving him a quivering sobbing mass on the couch.

Drift not only left them, but did so intentionally. Their sparkling had no clue who he was. How in the world was he going to calmly explain all this to Swift? Ignorance truly had been bliss compared to this.

* * *

_A/N- Seeing as this doesn't have a complicated plot line, and deals more with emotional issues and how family units work or don't work, it will be a shorter fic centralized on the character's development. Thanks for taking the time to read! p.s. This will be about a 4-5 chapter story for those of you asking. ^^  
_


	2. What I've done

Title: Graceless – What I've done

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/G1

Rating: T+

Warnings: M-preg, sparkling (OC), interfacing of the sticky variety

IDW based but definitely A/U. References to Drift back-story from IDW.

Title borrowed from "Shake it Out" by Florence + the Machine, which is the main inspirational song for this fic.

"I was disappearing in plain sight  
Heaven help me  
I need to make it right  
You want a revelation  
You want to get right  
But it's a conversation  
I just can't have tonight," … 'No Light, No Light' by Florence + the Machine

* * *

Onlining his optics, Perceptor found himself face to face with his sparkling. Swift was sitting on the floor next to the couch with his face pressed against the edge. His bright, little optics watched Perceptor curiously.

"Why are you out here?" Swift asked after a moment of them staring at one another.

Perceptor checked the time and realized he spent the night out here. "I recharged here."

"Why?" Swift asked, a confused look crossing his face.

"I accidentally offlined here." Perceptor pushed himself to sit up and rubbed the side of his helm. He felt dazed and not quite ready to face reality. Swift sat back on his heels, his gaze on Perceptor unwavering. Last night's message from Drift almost felt like it hadn't really happened. He glanced at the console that he'd left on and frowned.

"I picked them up," Swift said.

Perceptor shifted his attention to him. "Picked them up?"

"The cars. See?" Swift pointed to the floor, which was indeed clear of his toys.

"That was very considerate of you. Thank you." Perceptor felt himself hanging onto his last shreds of emotional fortitude by a thin thread. Pushing down his emotions as best he could, he forced a small smile for Swift.

"So, will you be less sad now?" Swift asked.

"Oh, Swift…" Perceptor reached out, picked up his sparkling and slid back against the couch, hugging him close. Swift didn't squirm at all, allowing Perceptor to hold him tightly. It took all his self-control not to give into the desire to cry. He knew he wouldn't be able to maintain this façade, though, and pinged Ratchet's comm line.

:: Yeah? :: Ratchet replied.

:: I find myself in a rather delicate emotional state at the moment, and I don't want to upset Swift. Would it be an inconvien— ::

:: Get over here. You don't need permission, Percy. You know that. :: Ratchet replied, cutting him off.

"Swift, we are going over to Ratchet and Wheeljack's now," Perceptor said as he gave his sparkling a small squeeze.

"Can I go get my favorite car to take?" Swift asked.

"Of course you may," Perceptor replied as he loosened his hold and let Swift wriggle off his lap to the floor. Swift then ran toward his room and disappeared inside.

Perceptor sank back against the couch and glanced at his hands, which were vaguely trembling. He balled them into fists in a vain attempt at controlling the unwanted movement. It was as if Drift managed to yank the very the floor out from beneath him. The stability he'd managed to create had been toppled over with one message. Perceptor felt so helpless and weak for letting it affect him so deeply.

"I'm ready!" Swift reappeared in the living area with his favorite toy car clutched to his chest.

Perceptor got to his feet, and lifted Swift up, holding him on his hip. Swift leaned his helm against Perceptor's shoulder and remained quiet for the short walk from their home to Ratchet and Wheeljack's.

Arriving at the door, it opened. Ratchet was there, looking concerned. "Hey there."

"Hello," Perceptor replied.

"Hi!" Swift said in his usual cheery tone. Walking inside, Perceptor bent to lower Swift down to the floor. "No! I don't want down!" Swift protested, squirming and clinging to Perceptor's chest.

Perceptor straightened his posture, surprised by the outburst. Swift snuggled himself against him, hiding his face against his plating. "Don't you want to go find Wheeljack to play with?" Perceptor asked, perplexed.

Ratchet also looked confused. "He's in the other room, kiddo. Lemmie go get him for ya, okay?"

Swift shook his head. "I wanna stay right here."

Frowning, Perceptor looked at Ratchet. It seemed Swift knew Perceptor was upset, despite his trying to hide it. He gave his sparking a small squeeze, but really wasn't sure how to handle this without upsetting him further.

"Your dad needs a minute alone to talk to me, Swift," Ratchet finally said as he stepped closer and lightly patted Swift's back. "I can see you're worried about him, but why don't you let me help him out?"

Swift twisted slightly in Perceptor's grip so he could look at Ratchet.

"It should only be for a couple of moments, Swift," Perceptor added.

"Wheeljack's in the spare room setting up this complicated toy race track he's been making for you. Don't you want to see?" Ratchet offered Swift a wide smile. "It's pretty neat."

"You promise?" Swift asked.

Ratchet's smile softened. "That the track is neat? Oh yeah, I think you'll like—"

"No. That you'll help my dad." Swift said. His small fingers flexed against Perceptor's chest.

It was enough to break his spark in two. Perceptor dimmed his optic, and felt himself begin to faintly tremble.

"I promise," Ratchet replied with a sense of finality.

Swift nodded. "Okay."

With that, Perceptor stooped down and set Swift down. Before he was able to stand back up, Swift hugged him around his neck and then leaned back. His two little, bright optics stared at Perceptor with so much concern.

Perceptor placed a kiss to the center of his forehead. "You go play, and don't worry about me."

Swift looked torn, though.

"Oh, there ya are," Wheeljack said as he emerged from the spare room. He offered his hand for Swift to take. "I have something fun to show you."

Hesitation swept over Swift's face. He stared at the hand then looked back at Perceptor. Finally, with some measure of visible reluctance, he let go of Perceptor and took Wheeljack's hand, following him into the spare room. The moment he was out of sight, Perceptor got back to his feet and crossed his arms over his middle.

"What's going on, Percy?" Ratchet asked.

"I received a video message yesterday evening." Perceptor glanced over at Ratchet. "From Drift."

Ratchet's optics brightened. "Did Swift see it?"

"No. I played it after I put him down for the night." Perceptor shifted his gaze to the floor as an image of Drift in his disheveled state flashed across his processor.

"Then why is Swift being even more clingy than usual?" Ratchet asked.

Perceptor glanced at Ratchet, noting the furrowed brow and pinched frown on his friend's face. "He woke me on the couch this morning. I fell apart crying after watching the message, and accidentally recharged there after sobbing for some time," Perceptor explained in a dry, detached tone.

"Only you would say that like it was some clinical observation," Ratchet replied, as he shook his head and motioned to the couch."Sit."

Perceptor wandered over and took a seat on the couch. Ratchet followed suit and sat just beside him.

"What did he say in the message?" Ratchet asked, his voice stern.

"That he was sorry. That he'd been ill, but was doing better and wanted to see us," Perceptor replied as he stared at the floor just beyond his feet.

"He left on purpose?" Ratchet asked.

Perceptor paused for a moment before he quietly replied. "Yes, he did." He felt tears welling on his optics as mentally revisited the message.

Ratchet then put an arm around Perceptor's shoulders, giving him a quick, friendly hug. "I'm sorry, Percy. That's a slagheaped mess to have to deal with." He then sadly frowned at Perceptor. "I kind of assume you didn't reply yet."

"I did not reply, no," Perceptor answered.

"You gonna see him?" Ratchet asked.

Perceptor sighed air from his intakes. "It would be terrible of me to not let him see his own sparkling."

"It was 'terrible' of him to run off without any explanation," Ratchet replied in a harsh tone. "He can't expect to leave you alone to raise a sparkling for two stellar cycles then just step right back into your life."

"I don't believe he expects anything from me by the way he spoke. He seemed genuinely apologetic. Yet…" Perceptor felt the sadness and tears well up inside him again. "I am unwilling to forgive him right now."

"That's a totally understandable reaction, Percy." Ratchet sadly smiled. "I'd beat the slag out of him if it were me."

Perceptor glanced over and shook his head at Ratchet, while fighting back his tears.

"Say the word and I'll knock him on his aft," Ratchet said, joking in tone but Perceptor knew he was being serious.

"That isn't necessary. I just needed a moment to talk about it without worrying about Swift seeing me like this." Perceptor dimmed his optic. "It hurts so much more than I thought it would."

"I'm really am sorry about all this Percy…" Ratchet frowned. "You are good mech. You don't deserve to be hurt like this."

"You are very kind, Ratchet." Perceptor softly sighed air from his intakes. "I suppose I'd secretly hoped the stability I had achieved would not be toppled so easily."

"Hey, no matter _what_ you and Swift have us, Percy." Ratchet lightly patted Perceptor's arm in an attempt to reassure him.

"Thank you." Perceptor glanced at Ratchet, knowing that without him and Wheeljack he would have drown long ago in all the responsibilities that came with being a parent. They'd helped guide him, supported him, and gave him breaks when he needed it.

His neat and orderly world was now in total disarray. All from one message... And he wasn't sure he had in it him to try and pick up the pieces.

…

_In the midst of the Decepticons Drift had lost sight of the bigger picture. Forgotten why he'd started fighting and gave into an almost unrelenting desire for violence. In this hidden corner of the universe with his newly rebuilt body, he felt more clearheaded and calm. Able to see his violent streak was like an illness eating away at him. He never wanted to be that mindless, guttural mech again. _

_Drift was going stir crazy trapped in this utopian society, though. They'd all just given up and hid from the problems that plagued their kind instead of fighting to change it. He wanted to redeem himself, but was trapped by his current keeper, Wing, until he beat him in a one-on-one fight. _

_He glanced at the other mech across the living area of his small, but lovely home. Wing sat at a table quietly polishing his outdated weapon, a sword. In the past, Drift had levied his looks to get what he wanted. It was, in part, how he'd achieved to his position as Turmoil's SIC, through flirtation along side his reputation for violence. Perhaps it was the way to gain back his freedom from Wing, too. Well, the flirtation part, anyway._

_He stood from the couch he'd been sitting on and sauntered over to where Wing sat. The other mech only gave him a passing glance before he resumed his polishing. Drift moved to his back and lightly ran his fingers over Wing's shoulders._

_Wing stilled. He didn't protest or say a word. Drift smiled, then let his fingers slide down his captor's back plates in a slow, sensual motion. _

"_I'd ask what you were doing, but I already know. For the record, it won't work on me," Wing said before he continued to work on his sword's shine. _

_Drift lowered his hands to his sides and frowned at the back of Wing's head. "You're making me crazy keeping me cooped up in here."_

_Wing kicked out one of the other chairs at the table. "Sit."_

_With a heave of air from his intakes, Drift stalked over and sat down. He was sure to frown at the gleaming white mech he now somewhat resembled. _

"_I'm going to venture a guess that you have never been in love," Wing said, his gaze pinned on his sword as he continued to polish it._

"_Nope." Drift crossed his arms over his chest and frowned. "And that has what to do with anything?"_

"_Using your body as a tool to get what you want shows your lack of respect for yourself." Wing then looked up at Drift, his optics dimming. _

_Drift laughed a little. "I grew up really poor, and ended up on the streets of Cybertron, trying to get by. My body was sometimes all I had." _

_Wing sadly frowned. "I'm very sorry."_

"_Don't be," Drift replied. "I'm a survivor." He was honestly proud he'd managed to move up in the world despite everything conspiring against him. His one father died when he was so small he barely remembered him, and his remaining parent drank himself into a stupor almost every night. By all rights, through neglect and lack of proper care he should be dead. Yet, here he was. _

"_I hope, for your sake, you find love one day," Wing replied._

"_Why? There is no reason to fall in love. It just brings misery. Besides—" Drift gestured at the small home. "—not like you've got someone."_

_Wing's gaze lowered. "I was bonded. He died at the beginning of the war. I have chosen to remain alone since I know will not love anyone as much as I loved him."_

"_See? Misery." Drift crossed his arms over his chest. _

_With a sad look, Wing shook his head. "For someone who won't even let anyone close enough to learn what love truly is, you seem to think you are quite the expert."_

"_I watched my father drink himself to death after my other father died. That's all I need to know about it." Drift frowned as an uneasy feeling tugged at his spark. He didn't like talking about his parents or his sparklinghood._

_Wing set his polishing cloth aside, and stood. He motioned for Drift to do the same. _

_Once on his feet, Drift frowned deeply. "Now what?"_

_Cupping Drift's face, Wing gazed deeply into his optics. "Love is the most powerful force in this universe. It can bring even the most powerful of mechs to their knees." He leaned in close. "I pray to Primus that one day you'll open your spark up and let someone in. When that moment happens you will understand."_

_Drift found Wing's words were far more penetrating then he'd like to admit. A lifetime of being alone meant he was safe from being hurt like his father had been, but it also meant he'd never know the joy his father once felt either. Vague memories of his father smiling and laughing with his other father from when Drift was very small flitted through his mind._

_Wing leaned in and briefly ghosted his lips against Drift's. "If I were to ever allow myself to love another, I could honestly see you as someone I'd allow close to me," he whispered. Their lips met, and Drift let his optics flicker off. In a very slow, gentle motion, they kissed. Lip only, but by Primus it was one of the hottest kisses he'd ever experienced. Every inch of his frame was left tingling and crackling with desire. Pulling back, Wing canted his head and smiled. "You are very pretty, Drift. But don't abuse that gift."_

_Drift stared at Wing, confused by weird feeling permeating his whole being. It felt warm, tingly, and confusing. _

"_Until you learn to open your spark to another, this is as far as you'll get with me." Wing's hands dropped to his sides and he warmly smiled. "Though, I have the feeling I'm not the one truly meant for you." He pressed his fingers to the center of Drift's chest plate. "One day a kiss like that will stir your very spark. That will be the mech that will change your life forever like my love did for me."_

"_Yeah, right." Drift tried to shrug it off. Though, his words hit much closer to his spark than he wanted Wing to know. _

_Wing's smiled widened. "Would you like to spar now for your freedom?"_

_Drift did his best to push his uncomfortable feelings aside. "Sure."_

_Falling in love was a dangerous thing to do. He really didn't see himself ever finding anyone he could truly love. _

_.~.~.~.~.~._

Drift awoke with a start, jerking away from a touch to his arm in the medbay berth.

"Whoa, there," the medic said with bright optics. "Didn't mean to scare you."

His optics focused on the medic and he relaxed slightly. "I was having memory file feedback."

The medic smiled a little. "Ah. Well, we are at the Autobot moon. I need to move you to their facility." He took hold of Drift's arm, bending it to expose a seam where the plating met at the bend in his elbow. "Time to spike your lines." Before Drift could even protest, the medic's fingers moved with speed and precision, pushing the plating apart and plunging the needle end of a small device into the sensitive inner workings. He hit the thin mech fluid line hidden beneath with nothing less than perfect accuracy.

"I don't need to be drugged to be moved," Drift said with a frown.

"Heh, right. You say that now in a medical berth with all the dampers maxed out. Trust me, you need that pain killer." A sound of footsteps entering medbay echoed and the medic glanced over his shoulder. "Your ride is here it seems." Looking back at Drift, he sadly smiled. "Good luck with everything."

The world started to grow hazy as the medication he'd been given started to flow through his systems. Drift tried to force his optics to focus, but found it an impossible task. The world started to spin around him and he offlined his optics to stop the disorienting feeling. Unable to fight the drug, reality quickly disappeared as he lost consciousness.

…

After talking with Ratchet for a while, Perceptor did feel more at ease. Knowing he was not alone in facing this overwhelming change in his situation was a great comfort. While he still felt uncertain and ill at ease when it came to Drift, he realized that hearing Ratchet's assurance that they would not abandon him no matter what was precisely what he'd needed to hear.

The four of them made their way down the stairs looking for the best place to sit and watch the inaugural race for the newly built track. Swift clung tightly to Perceptor as he looked all around with wonder in his optics at the large arena.

"It's so big," Swift said in awe.

Perceptor smiled at his sparkling and then gave him a small squeeze. "Perhaps after the race we can go down to the track and you can explore."

Swift swiveled his head to look at Perceptor with overly bright optics. "Can we?"

"I don't see why not," Perceptor replied.

"These are the best seats! Right up front," Wheeljack said, sounding almost as excited as Swift was.

Perceptor then caught sight of Ratchet watching him. Concern written across his face. He appreciated his friend's worry, but he found denial was the best coping mechanism he could employ at the moment and immediately looked away.

They all walked down the aisle and sat down. Perceptor settled Swift in his lap, so he could see a little better. His sparkling looked all around, pointing out things and asking what they were. He or Wheeljack would answer the seemingly never-ending series of questions. At moments like this, Perceptor could see himself in Swift.

"Here they come," Ratchet commented as he nodded his head to the opening gate area at one end of the oval-shaped track.

Perceptor glanced over his shoulder at the stands. The crowd that gathered was fairly large, filling most of the seating along one side. Considering how decimated their race was, it was impressive to see them all gathered together like this.

"It's Blurr!" Swift bounced excitedly in Perceptor's lap.

Blurr, Hot Rod, Sunstreaker, Tracks, and Jazz all wandered out onto the track. It was going to be a no contest race for sure, though. Blurr was built for this. Still, it was fascinating to Perceptor to see how the others might do against one another.

"Frag," Ratchet muttered as he sat forward.

"What's up, Ratch?" Wheeljack asked.

"I have to go. A new patient is being transferred to the medical center and they just pinged me. He must be in bad shape." Ratchet deeply frowned.

"You'll miss the race?" Swift asked, looking disappointed.

Ratchet then smiled and patted Swift's head. "You tell me all about it later, okay?"

Perceptor nodded. "You can demonstrate with your toys for him."

Swift pressed his lips together in a pouted frown. "Hrm. Okay."

Ratchet got to his feet. "I expect a full report, so make sure you pay close attention."

Swift's pouted look faded and he smiled. "I will!"

Perceptor hugged him and placed a kiss to the top of his helm. He was determined to make sure Swift was a healthy, happy sparkling. He wondered if meeting Drift now would do more harm than good to Swift's development. It was a quandary he needed to thoroughly examine before deciding how to respond to his wayward mate.

…

Irritated, Ratchet entered medbay with a frown etched on his face. Two medics were left in the medical center to staff it during the race, but they were still in training. One medic was prepping a medical syringe on a table and the other was nowhere in sight.

"What are you doing? And where is this patient that couldn't wait?" Ratchet asked as he came to a stop in front of the medic.

With wide optics, the young medic stared at Ratchet. "He's in room 3, and um… well. We weren't sure how to deal with his injury. The medic that treated him salvaged his systems but told us several need to be removed and rebuilt."

Ratchet raised an optic ridge at the medic. "We have a chart?"

The medic nodded and pointed to the wall beside the doorway to room 3.

He stalked over and plucked the datapad out of the wall-mounted bin and powered it on. Reading the patient name he paused. "Drift?" He stepped to the side and peered into the room. Sure enough Drift lay passed out on the medical berth with the young medic circling him and taking readings. Hadn't Perceptor told him Drift was better now? And that he'd been 'ill'?

Ratchet entered into the room and then glanced down at the chart in his hands, quickly reading the report. He'd been impaled? This wasn't illness this was an _injury_. Ratchet looked up and saw the temporary plating over his middle. "Remove that plating. _Now_," Ratchet commanded the medic.

The medic looked startled. "I was going to take all the readings first so we—"

"I want to see the damages for myself and how this medic 'repaired' them," Ratchet replied, sliding the chart onto a nearby table. He'd be damned if Swift's father died on his watch.

"The painkiller and sedatives are going to wear off. Shouldn't we re-spike his lines?" the medic asked just as the other one entered the room with the syringe in hand.

Ratchet hated drugging mechs. The chemicals were often harsh and not very well processed by healthy systems let alone possibly compromised ones. "No," Ratchet replied in a stern tone. "These are medical berths. _Use_ them." He tapped the controls in the side of the berth, maxing the dampeners and adding a small electrical charge to help keep Drift in stasis.

He then grabbed the small hand held welder and carefully removed the mismatched plating. Beneath the ugly plating laid an even uglier mess. The medic that treated him had been quite creative with his repairs, tying systems into one another to help keep them running. Problem being, Drift's autorepair had already started to accept the rerouting and Ratchet saw several paths melding into one another that should be separate. "Fraggit."

"Whoa. That looks _odd_," said the nearby medic.

"That medic saved his life by doing this type of repair, but we need rip out most of it and put everything back to how it should be. We'll also need to rebuild quite a bit of this disaster," Ratchet replied. "First thing's first." He reached in, carefully pulled the cover off the auto repair, and undid the connectors that were powering it. "No auto repair until things are reset properly."

Ratchet immediately set to work with the two younger medics assisting him. He wasn't going to let Drift's body become a twisted mess. No matter how he felt about him and his behavior toward Perceptor and Swift, no mech should suffer with such a jerry-rigged repair. The long-term effects of not correcting them could be crippling.

…

As Perceptor expected, Blurr was the winner of the first race on the new track. Surprisingly, Jazz managed to snag second. Sunstreaker seemed rather unhappy with the race's outcome, his frown visible from the stands.

After the race ended, Perceptor, Swift and Wheeljack made their way down the track to let Swift wander around and see it up close.

The racers and a handful of others milled around the gate area. Wheeljack stopped to chat with them, but Perceptor bypassed the group as he walked out onto the track itself.

"Would you like to explore?" Perceptor asked Swift, firmly held in his grasp.

Swift nodded his head fervently. "Yeah!"

Perceptor set him down, and the moment his pedes landed on the ground Swift ran off, mimicking Blurr and giggling as he ran.

"Primus, what a cute little guy he is."

Perceptor glanced to his side, seeing Blurr had walked over to them. "Yes, he is."

Swift made a large U-turn and as soon as he spotted Blurr standing next to Perceptor he came to a stop, staring with wide optics at Blurr.

"Come here, little one," Perceptor said, waving Swift to come closer.

He grinned then ran over, hugging himself to Perceptor's leg and peering up at Blurr.

"Hey there. Been a while since I saw you. You're getting big," Blurr said as he squatted down to be optic level with Swift.

Swift shyly pressed his face into Perceptor's leg, his little fingers digging into his plating. Perceptor didn't socialize much himself, and he realized Swift's sudden shyness probably stemmed from his overall lack of exposure to anyone outside Ratchet and Wheeljack. Swift knew who Blurr was from stories told to him, but he'd only met him a handful of times before.

"At least say 'hello' to Blurr, Swift." Perceptor lightly patted his helm.

"Hello," Swift finally said.

"Did you like the race?" Blurr asked, smiling brightly.

Swift nodded. "You're _fast_."

"I try to be." Blurr grinned. "It's about all I'm good for. Going fast."

Perceptor was about to object to Blurr's assessment of himself, but Springer walked up to join them.

"Hey there, Percy!" Springer patted Perceptor's shoulder with enough force to cause him to stumble a step.

"Hello, Springer," Perceptor replied with a small frown.

"Oh, you've got the kid with ya." Springer tilted his head at Swift. "Hey there!"

Swift's optics were wide and moved to hide most of himself behind Perceptor's leg.

"You're scaring him, Springer." Blurr stood back up and playfully punched him in the side. "You big lug."

Springer stepped close to Blurr and pulled him into a half hug. "Aww, I didn't mean to." Springer gazed at Swift's small face peering at him from around Perceptor's leg. "Man, he looks just like Drif—"

Blurr punched Springer, again. This time not playfully. "Big and _dumb._ Tell me why I agreed to start seeing you?"

Springer's optics brightened as he rubbed his side where Blurr had punched him rather hard. "Sorry, Percy. I wasn't thinkin'."

"It's fine. We should be going anyway." Perceptor looked down at Swift. "Ready to go?"

Swift nodded then raised his arms up expectantly. Perceptor happily picked him up, holding him against his side.

"You should come hang out with us sometime," Blurr said with a bright smile.

"Yeah and bring your little guy, too," Springer said with a grin. "We hardly ever see ya these days."

Perceptor nodded. "Perhaps I will."

Blurr's smile softened as he gazed at Perceptor. "I hope you do."

An awkward silence filled the space between them while Swift shyly hid his face against Perceptor's shoulder."I should get him back home. It was nice to see you both."

"Good to see you, too, Percy," Blurr replied.

Springer nodded. "Later."

Perceptor walked back toward the gate. As they passed Wheeljack he and Swift both waved to him before exiting the complex. He held Swift close as he followed the pathway back to the main base.

"Did you have fun?" Perceptor asked.

"Yeah," Swift replied as he fingered Perceptor's chest plate with a contemplative look on his face. "So… Do Blurr and Springer go together like Ratchet and Wheeljack?"

"Yes, they do." Perceptor nodded. He'd never talked to Swift about the subject of couples or love, mostly due to his young age, but also to avoid the questions he knew might arise from that type of conversation. It was interesting to hear how his sparkling viewed them. Though, if he was going to allow Drift back into their lives at some point very soon he was going to have to sit him down and explain it to him in better detail what 'going together' really meant.

He softly sighed air from his intakes then pressed a kiss to Swift's helm and gave him a small squeeze. "I love you, my little one."

Swift smiled brightly as he gazed up at Perceptor. "I love you, too, dad."

It never ceased to amaze Perceptor how hearing his sparkling say those words could stir and warm his spark to its very core. For all his regrets about trusting Drift and then being abandoned, he didn't regret the creation of their sparkling even for a moment. Swift was the most amazing thing to ever happen to him.

…

"You have got to be the most glitched idiot I've met to date."

Drift dimly lit his optics, fighting to focus on the mech talking to him. He sounded familiar. The red and white of the CMO was all Drift needed to see in order to put two and two together as the medic came into focus.

"Hello to you, too, Ratchet," Drift replied. He felt vaguely sore and extremely groggy. He lay in a medbay berth that was currently inclined so he was almost in a sitting position.

"Drink this." Ratchet shoved a cube of green tinted liquid at Drift.

Drift clumsily took the cube, nearly spilling it. Ratchet caught his hands in time, helping guide the cube to his mouth. The liquid passed his lips and the taste was horrid. It was soured and metallic tasting all at once. He nearly choked on it as he swallowed the sip he took and then pushed the cube away from his mouth, making a face. "What is that?"

"The drugs you were given aren't purging your systems like they should. This will help clear them out," Ratchet replied, pushing the cube back toward him.

Drift relented, drinking the awful liquid. Once he was done, Ratchet took the emptied cube and gave him a stern look. "You should be dead."

It hadn't really occurred to Drift that being returned to the Autobot moon to be repaired would mean being under Ratchet's care. Truth was, he didn't think the CMO would personally handle patients anymore after training more medics, but in retrospect he realized what a stupid assumption that was. After all, Ratchet had been his primary doctor when he'd carried Swift.

"I have almost died more times than I like to recount, actually," Drift replied.

"You have no idea how much I'd like to plant my foot in your aft right now." Ratchet frowned. "High electrical levels are _easy_ to fix. Running off, breaking Perceptor's spark, I don't know if that will _ever_ be fixed."

Drift winced, his spark aching at the pointed words. "I know."

"It's not my place to say anything more than that. What happens from here on out is between the two of you." Ratchet shook his head.

Drift glanced down at his freshly repaired abdomen. "I appreciate the repairs."

"Like I'd let you rust the way you were." Ratchet huffed air from his intakes. "That medic may have saved your life, but I had to rebuild almost every one of your vital systems. I still have your heat regulator on the table to finish. For the moment, I left the fragged up rerouting he did, using your electrical regulator to also maintain your core temperature."

Glancing at Ratchet, Drift looked surprised. "He… what?"

"That medic married half damaged internals to almost completely destroyed ones. It was a fragged up disaster in there. But lucky for you, I know what I'm doing." Ratchet plucked a datapad off a nearby table. "You've been here for a few cycles offlined, by the way." He held out the datapad to Drift.

Drift took hold of it, and furrowed his brow. "What's this?"

"Percy's reply to you." With that, Ratchet left the room, giving him one last disappointed look before he exited the small medbay room.

Fingering the datapad, Drift felt like his spark was twisting in his chest. He nervously turned the pad on, and then clicked the lone file contained on it.

An image of Perceptor appeared in the middle of the screen. Drift's spark started to pulse fast and hard. He looked as beautiful as when Drift had left, but there was a definite sadness to his face that hadn't been there before.

"Hello, Drift. Ratchet informed me that you are currently a patient in his medbay, but will soon be fully repaired." Perceptor spoke in a detached tone of voice. "After much consideration, I have decided that it would be beneficial for Swift to see you and get to know you. I will not stand between the relationship that should exist between the two of you. I do, however, plan to ease him into all this, and expect you to also treat the situation with the utmost care. I don't want to cause him any undo stress if possible." Perceptor paused, then glanced to away from the screen. "Swift, come here, please." After a pause, Perceptor moved off screen and then sat back down with their sparkling in his grasp, settling him on his lap.

"What's this thing for?" Swift asked.

Drift's spark lurched in his chest and he covered his mouth with one hand as tears pooled on his optics. Seeing his sparkling, grown, speaking… It was both amazing and spark wrenching. _So_ much time had passed.

"It's a video recorder." Perceptor pointed to the camera. "Would you mind saying 'hello' while looking into the camera?"

Swift nodded and grinned, then looked right where Perceptor pointed. "Hello!" He then made a confused face as he looked up at Perceptor. "Should I say anything else?"

"Whatever you like," Perceptor replied.

"Um…" Swift glanced back at the camera. "I'm Swift."

"I know," Drift whispered as he touched the screen where Swift was.

"That's all I want to say." Swift looked back up at Perceptor. "Can I go play in my room more?"

"Of course," Perceptor shifted off the screen again, taking Swift with him.

After a moment his mate sat back down.

"We will meet with you once you've been released from medbay. As I stated, I won't stand between you and Swift having a parental relationship. But know that as far you and I are concerned, at this time I do not wish to reconcile. Contact me again when you are settled and out of medbay." Perceptor's image then cut out.

Drift dimmed his optics and tears rolled down his face. His whole frame shook as he began to cry. It all hurt so much more than he even thought it would. He dug his fingers into the center of his chest, trying to reach at the pain unleashed within him. This was his fate, though. He'd made the wrong choice and now had to pay the consequences. He realized he now understood his drunken father in a way he'd never imagined. Losing the one you love was truly the most painful thing he'd ever felt, only this was worse. Perceptor would be more than just a mech in a memory file. He'd be a living reminder of the true love Drift had managed to destroy when he'd see their sparkling.

It seemed there would be no redemption or forgiveness for his mistake. "What have I done?" Drift whispered as he pulled the datapad to his chest and quietly cried.

* * *

_A/N: Thank you for the reviews from the first chapter! I hope you all continue to enjoy the story. _


	3. Slipping Underneath

Title: Graceless – Slipping Underneath

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/G1

Rating: T+

Warnings: M-preg, sparkling (OC), interfacing of the sticky variety

IDW based but definitely A/U. References to Drift back-story from IDW.

Title borrowed from "Shake it Out" by Florence + the Machine, which is the main inspirational song for this fic.

"And it's over,  
And I'm goin' under,  
But I'm not givin' up!  
I'm just givin' in…" - 'Never let me go' by Florence + the Machine

* * *

_Drift stood so close to Perceptor that he could feel warmth radiating from off his friend's plating. Drift's light blue optics were sharply focused on him as he reached up and lightly touched Perceptor's chin with his elegant black fingers. Unsure of Drift's intentions but trusting him implicitly, Perceptor remained still, watching and waiting. After a long moment, Drift's hand dropped back to his side, and he shifted his gaze to the ground. _

"_Sorry," Drift whispered. _

_After an intense battle against the Hoard, their small team had taken up temporary shelter in a former Decepticon bunker. There were many rooms that were linked by a long hallway. At the moment, Perceptor and Drift were the only ones in this particular room. A situation not all that uncommon these days seeing as they'd become close friends. But something about Drift's demeanor indicated there was something else going on. Perceptor wasn't quite sure what, though. _

"_No need to apologize." Perceptor knew he was far less willing to offer his trust to anyone after his near death, but the one mech he felt completely safe with was the one that saved his life, the one standing here with him: Drift. "Is there something you wish to discuss?"_

_Drift looked up at him, amusement now shining in his optics as he smiled a little. "I…ah—hm." His friend's gaze lowered again and his optics dimmed. _

_Perceptor had never seen such hesitation in Drift before. It was intriguing on one hand, but also somewhat disconcerting on the other. This warrior usually moved with such purpose, so observing him in this state was very odd. "Drift?"_

_Drift furrowed his brow. "I don't know how to say this." He then looked back up at Perceptor. "Mostly cause I never thought in a million stellar cycles I'd ever—" He vaguely frowned. "—Open my spark up to anyone." _

"_Open your spark?" Perceptor asked, now even more confused._

"_Yeah. I_ like_ you, Percy." Drift looked so unsure of himself as he spoke. "More than being your friend '_like_'."_

_Realization bloomed across Perceptor's processor. "You are… attracted to me?"_

"_That's one way to put it." Drift smiled a little, though he still looked terribly nervous. _

_Perceptor had very distant memories of his short time where he'd experimented with dating a handful of other Academy science students. Once the war broke out and he was no longer in that isolated environment, no one seemed particularly interested in him. The warriors that surrounded him viewed him as too 'nerdy' to ever be considered for relationships. He'd always been a loner, though, so it never felt as if he were missing out on anything. _

"_I'm honestly surprised," Perceptor replied, feeling unsure about making such a huge change to their relationship._

_Drift then canted his head. "Really?" He reached up again, this time cupping Perceptor's face with his black and white hand as he gazed deeply into his optics. "It's more than 'attracted', though, Percy. It's from a deeper place than that."_

_His spark suddenly started to pulse hard and fast from the intimate nature of Drift's touch. "P-physiologically speaking, our in-interface ports are easily two to three times the depth of any other access port on our bodies," Perceptor replied, stuttering as he spewed a random fact to cover for his own sudden nervousness brought on by the intensity of Drift's words and stare. _

_Drift's optics brightened for a moment, then dimmed as he smiled. "If you aren't interested, then just tell me to back off and I will." _

"_I…" Perceptor now dimmed his own optic, insecurities running rampant in his processor. Drift was a handsome mech and amazing warrior. He was a mech far outside Perceptor's league. "Drift, you are a very lovely mech, but lowering your standards for someone like me is not necessary."_

_A hurt look crossed Drift's face. "First of all, I'm not some shallow mech who makes choices based on appearances."_

_Instantly, Perceptor felt terrible. He hadn't meant it that way at all. "I didn't mean to imply that—"_

"_Secondly, you're _beautiful_." Drift's optics softened their glow. "_So_ beautiful, and not just your outside but inside, Percy. You're not like anyone I've ever been around before. You make me want to be a better mech. You make me believe in second chances…"_

_Perceptor's lips parted to speak, but he was so overwhelmed he found he had no verbal reply to offer. All he could do was stare into Drift's optics. He knew they'd grown close, but he never imagined this would happen. _

"_If you want to stay just friends, that's fine with me. I just hoped maybe it could be more." Drift's voice wavered with his uncertainty. _

"_I…" Perceptor pressed his face into the warm hand against his cheekplate. "I find that you continue to be a rare exception in my life."_

_Drift leaned in, lightly touching their noses as he brightly smiled. "Does that mean I can kiss you?"_

_Perceptor's whole frame tensed. "If you wish, yes," he replied. _

_Tipping his head to one side, Drift leaned in and initiated a lip-only kiss. His lips were warm and molded against Perceptor's perfectly. Drift's body pressed closer, and where their plating touched a warm tingle radiated over the surface of Perceptor's body. But all that was secondary to the powerful sensation released inside his chest. His spark was pulsing wildly and pushing in its chamber toward Drift, something it had never done before. As the short but sweet kiss came to an end, Drift took hold of Perceptor's hand, and pulled it to his chest. Beneath Perceptor's fingers, he felt Drift's plating vibrating. _

"_That's my spark." Drift's gaze on Perceptor sharpened. "It chooses you, Percy."_

_It was at that moment Perceptor understood what Drift had meant about opening his spark. "Mine is doing the same," Perceptor whispered. _

_Drift warmly smiled. "Seems destiny has plans for us, hm?"_

"_It would appear so," Perceptor replied in total awe of the sudden change of course their relationship was taking. _

_.~.~.~._

"Vrrooom!" Swift crawled across the floor, pushing his favorite white toy car along.

It was early morning, and as always Swift was up and full of energy. Perceptor sat on the couch of their small home watching his sparkling play.

He sipped his energon ration, mulling over his memory file from his and Drift's first kiss. It had been such a life altering moment for Perceptor. Their love had grown so quickly. Normally that sort of intensity and speed frightened Perceptor, but Drift had such an amazing ability to quell his fears back then.

_Back then…_

"Dad?" Swift said as he sat back on his heels.

Perceptor smiled as he looked at Swift. "Yes?"

"Can I watch a cartoon?" Swift mustered his most convincingly cute face.

It was nearly impossible to tell him no. "Yes, you may."

Swift grinned as he hopped up onto the couch. Perceptor turned on the broadcast screen and put on an animated show for Swift to watch. His sparkling curled up at his side, and Perceptor wrapped his arm around his smaller body.

Perceptor glanced down at Swift. If destiny was real, then it seemed to take the most twisted and confusing path possible. Graced with this amazing little mech that meant more to him than anything by way of a mech that betrayed his trust and broke his spark. Perceptor wondered if the divide between him and Drift would ever be repaired. He really didn't know. All he was sure about were his feelings of anger and hurt. Until those faded, he knew he would not be able untangle his complicated emotions regarding Drift.

…

"This will be your quarters," Bluestreak said as the door to the room opened.

Drift stared at the small, sparsely furnished space from the doorway.

"Put your hand here to encode the door," Bluestreak said as he finished typing a command into the panel.

Drift did as he was directed, pressing his hand to the sensor. It beeped, accepting the energy signature recorded.

"You're all set." Bluestreak smiled at Drift.

Drift didn't feel like smiling in return, so he nodded instead. His home was with Perceptor in the other set of barracks. Not here. This wasn't really a happy moment for him.

"Well, see you around, I'm sure," Bluestreak said in an overly friendly tone.

"See you," Drift replied as he stepped into the room.

Bluestreak wandered off, and Drift hit the controls to let the door shut. He walked over the berth and sat down, staring out across the space. He hugged his arms around his freshly repaired middle. His spark had been so unsettled and achy feeling since he'd viewed the message from Perceptor. He knew he'd fragged up, but he was now more afraid than ever that Perceptor wouldn't forgive him no matter what he said or did.

He winced at his own thoughts and slid back to lie on the berth. He curled up on his side and offlined his optics. He wasn't in need of recharge; he just wanted to shut out the world around him. A world of regrets, mistakes and pain.

Unexpectedly, his comm line pinged. His optics flared back on when he realized who was pinging him.

:: Percy? ::

:: Ratchet informed me you that were released from medbay. I thought tomorrow we could meet in the commissary so you may see Swift. :: Perceptor spoke in the same cold tone he'd used in the video recording.

Drift's spark ached at the sound and he rubbed his chestplate. :: Sure. Whenever is best for you guys. ::

:: Tomorrow a couple breems after second shift switch is best for me, :: Perceptor replied.

:: See you then, :: Drift replied, trying his best not to allow his pain to bleed into his voice.

The line cut out.

Drift curled in on himself, turning off his optics again and seeking a momentary reprieve. After a about a breem of unsuccessfully trying to slip into a recharge, he lit his optics and came to a decision. "I need a drink."

Gathering himself, he heaved his aft off the berth and left the room. After some aimless wandering, he finally located the energon bar, noting it had changed location from last time he'd been on base. He stood in the doorway for a moment, surveying the scene. Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, Hot Rod and Tracks were siting together on a round couch, laughing and drinking. Jazz and Prowl were huddled at a table deep in conversation. Drift also spied Kup in the far corner focused on a datapad and chewing on his cygar.

Drift took tentative steps inside and then quietly took a seat the bar, hoping no one noticed him. He was not in the mood to chitchat. Glancing down at the bar top he saw an inset screen. It appeared to be an automated system for dispensing energon. He pulled out his card loaded with credits and waved it over the screen. Choices for different types of energon appeared, and he chose a strong high-grade. Within moments a small sliding door on the bar top opened and a cube of high-grade rose up. He picked it up, and quickly gulped it down. _Anything to take the edge off…_ he thought.

It didn't take more than a few kliks for his whole frame to warm from his systems working hard to break down the complex fuel. His processor also became noticeably hazy, which was odd since it usually took between four and five cubes of high grade on the transport ship to make him feel like this. Either he just drank some really potent stuff, or with his electrical levels reset he was having a more normal reaction to the spiked fuel.

He waved his card over the screen again, and then again. Three cubes later, reality became an out of focus blur. His pain was pushed back to the furthest edges of his mind as he swam in a haze of numbness. He knew he'd be able to recharge now that he was barely able to keep his optics lit. He clumsily slid out of his seat and walked toward the doorway to leave. The lights seemed to be moving on their own around him as he swayed to one side. He came to a stop and readjusted his optics a few times before he finally exited the energon bar.

…

Perceptor followed Swift into his room to help settle him in for the night. His sparkling hopped onto his berth and curled up, clutching his toy car close.

"Comfy?" Perceptor asked as he smiled down at Swift.

"Yep." Swift grinned back at him.

Perceptor carefully sat down on the edge of the sparkling-sized berth and lightly patted Swift's back. "I would like to talk to you about something before you recharge."

Swift's optics sharply focused on Perceptor. "What's that?"

"Well, it's a bit complicated but I would like to talk to you about how sparklings' sparks are created." Perceptor was fairly sure Swift would grasp what he was about to explain, since he was very bright, but he needed to be sure he explained in age-appropriate terms as he worked his way towards telling him about Drift.

"Okay." Swift rolled onto his back and focused his full attention on Perceptor.

"In order for a new spark to come to life, two adult mechs have to help create it." Perceptor pressed his fingers to the middle of Swift's chest.

Swift looked down at Perceptor's hand. "Two?"

"Yes." Perceptor dimmed his optic. "Your spark is made up of two parts. I contributed one half-"

Swift glanced up. "Is the other half from Ratchet?" he asked, interrupting.

Perceptor shook his head. "No. Only bonded couples can create a sparkling's spark."

"What's a bonded couple?" Swift asked, looking confused.

With a small sigh of air, Perceptor braced himself to answer. "Adult mechs that are in love with one another will combine their sparks. By doing so, each spark is imprinted with their partner's energy signal, creating a bond between them."

"Oh," Swift replied, still looking a little uncertain.

"Ratchet is bonded to Wheeljack, for example," Perceptor said trying to clarify through example for his sparkling.

"Oooh, okay." The look of understanding lasted all of an astro-second, though. "Wait, if only bonded ones can make a spark, then who else made _my_ spark?"

Perceptor dimmed his optic. "A mech by the name of Drift."

Swift's nose scrunched up. "Who's that?"

"My bondmate, and your other father. He's not been a part of your life since you were only an orn or so old," Perceptor replied. He did his best not to let his own feelings affect his tone of voice as he spoke.

Swift didn't say anything, but he did frown.

"He's returned from being away and would like to see you." Perceptor canted his head at Swift. "Would you like to meet him?"

"Yeah, okay," Swift said in a matter of fact tone, then he furrowed his brow. "But, I don't understand something…"

"What is that?" Perceptor asked.

"Ratchet and Wheeljack are together all the time. So how come your bondguy isn't with you all the time? Did he not like me or something?" Swift asked, still frowning.

Pain gripped Perceptor's spark as a surge of sadness and guilt rolled through him. He needed to be strong for Swift and pushed his own emotions down as deep as they'd go. "His reasons for leaving are complex, but I do believe he loves you very much."

"Hm. Okay. When will I meet him?" Swift asked.

"I thought tomorrow after I return from my shift we could go and see him," Perceptor replied.

Swift nodded in agreement.

"If you have any questions, I will try and answer as best as I can," Perceptor said as he lightly patted Swift's helm.

"I can't think of any now. I'm tired…" Swift's optics dimmed.

Perceptor leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehelm, then gazed into his sparkling's optics. "Recharge well, my little one."

Swift's frown finally disappeared, replaced by a bright smile. "I will."

Primus, he was so cute. Perceptor pressed one last kiss to Swift's forehelm before he stood up and walked the few steps to the doorway. Swift rolled to his side again, curling up while hugging his toy car to his chest. His optics dimmed then quickly went dark.

Perceptor stood in the doorway to his room for a long moment, gazing at Swift with a mixture of wonder and worry. He hoped he was making the right decision by taking him to see Drift. He also wondered if his being honest with Swift was the right choice. He couldn't in good conscience keep them apart, though, no matter how much he wanted to shelter his sparkling from being hurt. Swift deserved to know his other father.

…

The first thing that Drift noticed as he slowly came out his recharge was that something felt warm against his plating. He onlined his optics to find Blurr pressed against his side, lying on his front recharging.

_What the frag? _Drift thought.

Quickly, he glanced down and saw his interface panel was thankfully closed. He hadn't drunkenly done something stupid… he hoped. He glanced at Blurr as he accessed his last memory files, trying to figure out how he ended up here. All he found were grainy images of the base hallways, though. How in Pit had he ended up in a berth with Blurr? Looking past the racer at the rest of the room, he noticed a large wall mounted holo-frame featuring Blurr with Springer kissing his cheekplate. _Oh Primus, could this get any worse?_

Drift decided he needed to get the frag out here and tried to carefully move off the berth without disturbing the recharging racer.

"Leaving so soon?" Blurr asked as he dimly lit his optics.

"I… " Drift shook his head, unsure how to answer.

"Stop looking so worried. Nothing happened." Blurr rolled to his side, and propped his head up on his hand. "You were_ really _drunk."

"That was my goal." Drift shifted to sit up, but instantly regretted his move. A sharp pain flared inside his helm and he winced as he held his head in his hands.

"Really, _really_ drunk." Blurr chuckled a little. "Your head is going to hurt until you burn off that high grade."

Drift glanced at Blurr and vaguely nodded as the pain flare faded to a dull, throbbing ache inside his helm. "How did I end up here?"

Blurr quietly sighed air from his intakes as he gazed at Drift. "I found you passed out in the hallway, so I picked you up and carted you in here. I would have taken you to your room, but that's in the other set of barracks and I didn't want to haul you past a bunch of mechs in your inebriated state."

Drift realized that he must have drunkenly walked toward the barracks where his home with Percy had once been. "Thank you." He then glanced at the holo-frame. "Springer won't mind me being in here?"

"He's on a mission. They left the other night to do some Hoard clearing. He won't be back until late this afternoon, so you're safe," Blurr said with a small laugh. "Besides, nothing happened, and me and Springer trust each other."

Drift nodded.

Blurr then sat himself up. "I won't lie, though. There was definitely a time when I would have done anything to get you in my berth."

"Yeah, I know." Drift was aware of the crush Blurr once had on him, but Drift decided after Wing's death that he would only be with someone that stirred his spark. Blurr was simply not that mech. "It just wasn't meant to be."

"No biggie. I've fallen pretty hard for Springer." Blurr warmly smiled. "So what happened, anyway? One minute you and Percy are totally in love and have a sparkling and the next you were gone. Where have you been all this time?"

Pulling his legs up, Drift rested his arms on his knees as he stared down at the berth. "I was working on a transport ship."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but why the frag would you leave your family to work on a transport ship?" Blurr asked.

"'Cause I was afraid I might harm them." Drift softly sighed air from his intakes. "There was something wrong with my processor but I didn't know that was what was causing me to feel—" Drift paused, guilt sweeping through him. Admitting out loud he wanted to harm his mate and sparkling to a medic he barely knew was one thing, but telling someone he knew like Blurr was a whole other.

"Feel?" Blurr prompted.

"I guess increased electrical levels in a processor leads to things like uncontrollable aggression. It's apparently common for sparkling carriers to be affected," Drift explained. "I didn't know that, though."

Blurr's optics brightened. "Messing with electrical levels wreaks all sorts of havoc. Racers used to tweak everything and anything for an edge back in the day. I let the techs charge my levels for a few races. It was awful. I had these horrible fits of rage where I'd break things and trash my home. And it didn't even help me race any better! So I made the techs put the levels all back."

Drift glanced at him. Blurr had experienced the same things he had? "I had no idea it was physical. I assumed I was just… mentally damaged."

Blurr shook his head. "Oh, Drift. How could you think that? You have such a good spark. I mean, you went from 'Con to Autobot. That right there shows how good a mech you are."

"You're probably the only mech on this base to think that," Drift replied.

Blurr's optics dimmed. "Just tell Percy and I'm sure he'll—"

"I already did. He's understandably angry with me," Drift interrupted.

Blurr looked down and frowned. "He's been withdrawn since you left. Like, more withdrawn than before. I just saw Swift for the first time in a really long time at the opening race."

Drift's spark sank in its chamber. "I haven't seen Swift in person yet."

Blurr looked back at Drift, surprised. "What? Percy won't let you see him?"

"I'm supposed to see them later today. He wanted to wait until I was out of medbay," Drift replied.

"Ah," Blurr replied, half frowning. "So… the whole getting drunk off your aft and passing out in the hallway was a way to cope? If you don't mind me saying so, that doesn't seem like a very good way to handle things to me. You don't want Swift to see you like that, do you?"

Drift winced at the idea of Swift seeing him drunk. "No, I don't." Drift softly sighed. Unwanted memories of his own father being so intoxicated that he couldn't even make the short trek from the living area to his berthroom before passing out flashed through his mind. When Drift had gotten older, he would drag his father into the berthroom, but lacking strength, he used to have to leave him on the floor. Primus, was he turning into his father?

Blurr patted Drift's arm. "You two were so in love. No way things can't be fixed between you. When it comes to Percy, it'll just take persistence. You can't give up."

Drift looked at Blurr and sadly smiled. "I'm not giving up. But, Percy is in charge of how things go from this point forward. I have to give into what he wants right now."

With a sad look, Blurr gave Drift's forearm a small squeeze. "Well, just remember that _I'm_ your friend. So if you need to talk to anyone I'm around. Okay?"

Drift put his hand over Blurr's. "That means a lot to me. Thank you."

Truth was, Drift had walked through his life alone for the most part. He'd not had friendships that lasted, and every mech that meant anything to him before meeting Perceptor had died or betrayed him. He'd fully expected to face this alone, too. It felt comforting to know he wasn't hated for what he did by everyone.

Hopefully, one day Perceptor would forgive him. He was prepared to fully face the consequences of his actions, no matter how much it hurt, though. Just like Blurr said, he would need to be persistent but knew he'd also have to be gentle. He didn't plan on giving up no matter how long it took to win his love back, even if that meant the rest of his life.

…

Fingering a small-sized datapad in his grasp, Drift watched the doorway to the commissary. Any moment now Perceptor was supposed to arrive with their sparkling to see him. It was an excruciating wait. His spark was aching and pulsing hard in his chest, which only added to his already anxious state.

Finally, Perceptor appeared with their sparkling held on his hip. He seemed to spot Drift right away and made a b-line for the table he was at. Drift got to his feet as they walked up. He smiled at both of them, trying to hide how nervous he was. "Hello." His gaze was immediately drawn to Swift, though. He could hardly believe how much he'd grown.

"Swift, this is your other father, Drift," Perceptor said.

"Hi," Swift said as he stared at Drift with curiosity in his optics.

Drift glanced at Perceptor. "Should we sit?"

Perceptor's lips flattened as he pressed them together tightly and nodded. Drift's posture sunk a little at the cold, non-verbal reply. He pulled one of the chairs out and Perceptor set Swift down to sit on it. They then each sat down opposite one another at the table, Swift between them on one side.

It hurt to look at Perceptor being detached and distant, so Drift turned his attention to Swift.

Their sparking was staring up at Drift as he reached up to touch one of his own little red finials. "I have the same ones as you," Swift said.

"Yes, you do," Drift replied, smiling a little.

"What do you transform into?" Swift asked.

"A vehicle," Drift replied.

"I wanna be a fast car like Blurr when I'm big enough," Swift replied.

"Drift may not be as fast as Blurr, but he is quite agile and quick," Perceptor said as he gently patted Swift's helm.

Swift's optics grew wide and bright. "Really? You can go fast?"

Drift glanced at Perceptor, but his mate wouldn't meet his gaze. He then he nodded as he turned his attention back to Swift. "I can certainly go fast when I need to."

Swift practically beamed as he smiled. Primus, he was adorable. It felt so good to not have any of those dark thoughts entering his mind now. To see Swift and want nothing more than find a place in his life again.

"What's that?" Swift asked as he pressed his little finger to the edge of the datapad Drift brought along.

"Oh, it's for you, actually." Drift handed the datapad to him, and turned it on. "While I was gone I drew a little bit and took a lot of pictures from the places I visited." He had removed most of the written notes when he made this copy of his journal for Swift. "Just move your finger along the bottom here, and it'll go through the images," Drift explained as he showed Swift.

"Oooh," Swift said as he began to go through the collection of images.

Drift glanced at Perceptor. His mate had apparently been looking at him and quickly averted his gaze to the object in Swift's hands. All the things Drift wanted to say to him, to apologize for, he couldn't do with Swift here. He would have to wait for another opportunity. He just hoped one would present itself.

"Hey! You drew dad," Swift said, interrupting Drift's thoughts.

"Oh, yeah I did," Drift replied.

Perceptor shifted in his seat to see. It was only for a moment, but Drift saw his cold demeanor lift as he looked at the drawing. "I wasn't aware you drew," Perceptor said. It was the first thing he said directly to Drift.

"Yeah. When there is downtime, I find it relaxing to do." Drift wanted so desperately for Perceptor to look at him, but he wouldn't.

"Do I get to keep this?" Swift asked.

"Yep. It's all yours," Drift replied as he shifted his gaze back to Swift.

Swift then hugged it to his chest as he looked up at Drift. "Thank you!"

"You are more than welcome." Drift reached out, and patted his small helm.

"I was thinking since you are not yet assigned to any position that you could spend some time with Swift while I'm on shift in the lab," Perceptor said, keeping his gaze pinned on their sparkling as he spoke.

"I'd love to do that," Drift replied, unable to hide his eagerness.

Perceptor finally looked up at him, hurt and distrust written across his face. "Swift usually spends the day in Ratchet and/or Wheeljack's care. Perhaps to make this easier for Swift, you could assist one of them during the day."

"Whatever you think is best, Percy," Drift replied. His spark was aching for his mate and he found he couldn't hide it in his voice as he agreed.

Perceptor placed his hand on Swift's back. "Would you like to play with Drift and Wheeljack tomorrow?" he asked their sparkling.

"Yeah!" Swift said, excitedly.

"Then it's agreed." Perceptor glanced at Drift. "I drop him off just before first shift at their quarters. I will let them know you'll be stopping by." Perceptor pushed to his feet, and scooped up Swift into his grasp.

"We going already?" Swift asked.

"Yes, little one," Perceptor replied.

Drift stood, taking in the view of the two of them. His family he'd left. Oddly, he found a little comfort in seeing how close they were. At least they had one another in his absence, though he wondered if there would ever be room for him, too.

Swift cupped his hand against Perceptor's audio and whispered something. Pulling back, Perceptor dimmed his optic as he sadly smiled. "You may certainly ask him that."

Drift focused on their sparkling.

"Um, would it be okay if I got a hug?" Swift asked, as he fingered the datapad in his grasp.

"Yeah, of course," Drift replied, surprised but also thrilled to be asked.

Perceptor set Swift down on his pedes, and Drift squatted to be optic level with him. Swift handed the datapad to Perceptor to hold then turned to face Drift, nervously smiling. Drift took hold of him, pulling him into a tight hug, dimming his optics and trying to enjoy this moment for all it was worth. To hold this little creation and want to do nothing more than love him with all his spark felt incredible.

As Swift pulled back, he stared deeply into Drift's optics. "You carried me inside you," Swift said.

"Yeah, I did," Drift replied. He took his sparkling's little hand and pressed it to his chest. "Right under here."

Swift's small fingers flexed against the plating as he stared at where their hands met over the center of Drift's chest.

"We'll play tomorrow?" Swift looked somewhat uncertain but also hopeful that it would really happen.

"Yes, we will," Drift replied.

"Okay, then. Bye for now." Swift smiled at Drift then turned back to Perceptor.

As Drift looked up at Perceptor, he saw confusion briefly flash over his mate's face before he picked Swift back up, hugging him to his chest almost possessively.

"Good bye," Perceptor said before he walked away with Swift in his grasp.

Drift got to his feet and watched his family disappear from the commissary. Once they were out of sight, he winced at the pain resonating within his spark. It had been such a wonderful moment that also hurt so much… He dimmed his optics, trying not to give into the urge to cry in such a public place.

A desire for a cube of high grade hit him hard. He wanted one so badly he could practically taste it. It was an easy remedy to cure the pain, even if it was only temporary.

"Hey!"

A hand slapped his shoulder hard. Drift glanced over to see Blurr at his side.

"I noticed them walking out. I thought I might find ya in here." Blurr half frowned. "How bad was it?"

"It hurts." Drift couldn't think of any other way to describe it.

"Want a distraction? I'm heading to meet Springer at the docks. We're going to grab a couple drinks." Blurr then leaned in close to Drift. "If you drink with us I'll make sure you don't end up in some aft's berth by accident."

Drift found himself smiling a little at the joke. "You're anything but an aft, Blurr."

Blurr grinned. "Come on! Let's go."

…

Once Swift was down for the night, Perceptor sat down on the couch of their living area. He'd managed to hold it together for the remainder of the evening with Swift, but now that he was alone he felt a deep sadness inside him rise up. Tears welled on his optics and he started to quietly cry. It was different than his breakdown after viewing the message from Drift. The sorrow he now felt echoed deep inside his spark. It was more about the loss of his best friend, his bondmate.

Seeing Drift hadn't helped make anything clearer for Perceptor. In fact, everything felt more muddled and confusing than before. He could see how much Drift wanted forgiveness. And the truth was, Perceptor missed him more than he realized. A part of him was still very much in love with Drift; there was no denying that. At the same time, he was also incredibly angry with him. Angry that their relationship had been irrevocably damaged. This mech he loved made a life altering choice that affected all of them without ever speaking to Perceptor about it. Nothing would be as it once was.

"How could I have been such a fool by trusting him?" Perceptor whispered as he sank back against the couch.

He felt so broken inside. There would be no trusting Drift or anyone for that matter now. The only way to be safe was to avoid ever getting close to anyone again. What a lonely world he was now condemned to. His only small bit of solace came from knowing that he at least had Swift to love. Destiny was twisted, indeed.

* * *

_A/N- Wow, that was a hard chapter to write. ;_; Things should start to mend soon, though. Thanks for all the wonderful reviews! :3_


	4. Don't Forsake Me

Title: Graceless Don't Forsake Me

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/G1

Rating: T+

Warnings: M-preg, sparkling (OC), interfacing of the sticky variety

IDW based but definitely A/U. References to Drift back-story from IDW.

Title borrowed from "Shake it Out" by Florence the Machine, which is the main inspirational song for this fic.

"And oh, poor Atlas  
The world's a beast of a burden  
You've been holding on a long time  
And all this longing  
And the ships are left to rust  
That's what the water gave us'What the water gave me' by Florence the Machine

* * *

_It had only been a few days since they'd created their bond. Perceptor was content in a way he'd never felt before. As if everything in his life had finally found balance. The fear and misery he'd been battling within himself since his near death had disappeared the moment he felt all of Drift's love come spilling directly into his spark. Some how all that love and light managed to blot out the darkness he'd been drowning in for so long. _

_He smiled a little as he finished filling two containers of energon and turned to hand one to Drift. _

"_Here you are," Perceptor said, handing it off. _

_Drift grinned as he took it then quickly gulped down the entire serving. Perceptor had noticed in the days after their bonding, Drift's fuel intake had gone up. Not a lot, but enough that it was noticeable. They both wandered to the couch of their new, shared quarters. Drift sat down first, leaning back, and Perceptor sat down beside him. He turned slightly to face Drift as he slowly drank his own serving, quietly gazing at his love. _

_Drift reached up and pinched at the bridge of his nose as he dimmed his optics. "It seems really bright in here."_

_Perceptor canted his head. "It's no different than it was yesterday."_

_Lowering his hand, Drift nodded. "I guess not."_

_It was then Drift's optics began to lightly flicker. Worried, Perceptor reached out and touched his white armored chest. He felt warmer than usual. "How are you feeling?"_

"_Hm?" Drift frowned slightly. "What do you mean?"_

"_Your optics are flickering and your paneling feels a little warmer than it should be." Perceptor set his enegon down on the side table, and then turned back to Drift. "Are you sure all your systems are working properly?"_

_Drift half smiled. "It's nothing, Percy. You worry too much."_

"_I'm concerned. Complications can arise after a bond is formed. It's rare, but it does happen." Perceptor reached up and lightly touched Drift's chin. "Perhaps Ratchet should run a quick scan."_

_Drift softly sighed air from his intakes. "You are fine, right? I'm sure I'm fine, too."_

_Perceptor vaguely frowned. "Sparks pulse at different rates, there is a chance yours may have been injured from the bonding." Perceptor gently swept his thumb down Drift's cheek. "Please. It will only take Ratchet a moment to scan and check."_

"_If it will put your mind at ease, then sure," Drift said as he warmly smiled. _

_Perceptor got to his feet, and tugged Drift's arm, encouraging him to stand. Drift laughed a little as he got to his feet and shook his head at Percy. "You really do worry too much, Percy."_

_Staring at Drift and his still flickering optics, Perceptor knew something wasn't right, though. "Perhaps." _

_They made their way to medbay, finding Ratchet inside working with one of the medics in training. Ratchet glanced up as they walked in and smiled at Perceptor. "Hey there. What brings you in?"_

"_I was hoping you might have a moment to examine Drift?" Perceptor asked._

_Ratchet glanced at Drift, his friendly demeanor dissipating. "I can do that. Go to room four and I'll be right there."_

_It seemed many of the Autobots, even his old friend, still regarded Drift as a traitor not to be trusted. It bothered Perceptor to no end that Drift was still being treated in such a distrustful way. Why couldn't they see what a wonderful mech he truly was?_

_They entered the room and Drift sat down on the medbay berth. _

"_I'm sure with time Ratchet and the others will be kinder to you," Perceptor said in a softened voice. _

_Drift glanced at Perceptor and then reached out, taking hold of his hand. "It bothers you more than it bothers me. I really don't mind. I killed a lot of mechs in my lifetime and they have every right to hate me."_

"_But you are a good mech," Perceptor replied with a frown. "I want them to see that."_

_Drift gave Perceptor's hand a squeeze. "The only mech I care about seeing me that way is _you_."_

_Just then, Ratchet walked in, pausing as he stared at their linked hands. "So… what is the issue you want me to check?"_

"_His optics began to slightly flicker this morning," Perceptor replied as he let go of Drift's hand and stepped back to allow Ratchet space to examine Drift. _

"_I'm having some light sensitivity, but nothing I can't deal with," Drift added. _

_Walking over, Ratchet lifted his scanner up and moved it over various areas of Drift's frame. "Hm, your core temperature is running a little hot. Anything else I should know?"_

"_We bonded to one another three nights ago," Perceptor quickly replied. _

_Ratchet turned to stare at Perceptor. "You did?"_

_Perceptor nodded. "Yes. I was concerned I may have harmed his spark."_

_The sullen look on Ratchet's face switched to something more along the lines of amusement. "I highly doubt that."_

"_But sparks with different pulse rates have the potential to harm one another. And his was much faster than mine," Perceptor replied. _

_Ratchet faced Drift again. "Open up your chest. Let's have a gook at your spark."_

_Drift straightened his posture and did as he was told, opening his chest up. He looked past Ratchet at Perceptor. "Percy likes to worry over nothing."_

"_Perceptor may not be a trained medic, but he _is_ observant." Ratchet lowered the scanner over Drift's exposed spark, studying the screen for a long moment. "Yep, just what I thought. You two are the one in a thousand bonded couples to get yourselves sparked on the first merge."_

"_Did you just say _'sparked'_?" Perceptor asked, his optics flaring brightly._

"_Yep." Ratchet stepped to the side, allowing Perceptor to see the scanner screen. Sure enough, a tiny little light pulsed as it circled Drift's spark. _

"_Sparked? As in… a sparkling?" Drift asked, looking just as shocked as Perceptor. _

"_Yep," Ratchet replied. "It happens from time to time. Most don't keep these accidental first bond sparklings, though."_

"_Why is that? Is it dangerous to the carrier?" Perceptor asked._

"_No. It's just, well, a lot of the time the couples are still getting to know each other and it's a pretty huge change to take on so shortly after establishing a bond," Ratchet said as he glanced at Perceptor. "You have at least an orn to decide if you want to keep it or have me remove it, though." _

"_Ratchet, would you mind giving us a moment alone?" Perceptor asked. _

_Ratchet nodded. "Sure." _

_Drift shut his chest plates as Ratchet walked out. Perceptor stared at the center of his beautiful bondmate's chest. "I can't believe we sparked so easily."_

_Drift smiled. "I can." _

_Perceptor locked gazes with Drift. "What should we do now?"_

"_Well…" Drift dimmed his optics. "I would actually like to keep him. What about you?"_

_As if it weren't enough of a shock to know they were sparked, Drift managed to throw another unexpected curve. Perceptor assumed Drift would have no interest in being a parent, let alone the carrier. Confused, Perceptor furrowed his brow. "Ratchet had a point about pushing so soon after our bond creation. I'm also somewhat surprised you'd want to be the carrier. It's a burdensome process for your body according to what I've studied."_

_Sighing air from his intakes, Drift sadly smiled. "I've taken so many lives, Percy. Extinguished so many sparks with my own hands. The chance to bring a new life into this world with some one I love and adore seems like an easy choice to make."_

_Perceptor's spark swelled in his chest at Drift's words. It was completely illogical to push this fast, and yet; nothing about this relationship had happened how Perceptor anticipated. "You believe we are ready for this? I honestly never considered having a sparkling before."_

"_I think you'd be a great father and we'd figure it out as we went," Drift replied. "But if you really don't feel ready, we can wait. I don't want to push you into anything."_

_Perceptor glanced at Drift's chest. A sparkling of their own to care for and love? It was an overwhelming notion. Drift seemed so sure it was the right thing to do. His gaze lifted to meet with Drift's. "I'm leaning towards your desire to keep it, but I think I'd like a little more time to consider and discuss the impact of such a decision."_

_Drift nodded. "We've got an orn." Reaching out, Drift took hold of Perceptor's hand again, pulling him closer. They stared deeply into one another's optics. "No matter what happens, or what we decide, I will always love you." _

_Perceptor smiled. "I will always love you, too."_

…

"Percy?"

Reality snapped into focus, as Skyfire called out Perceptor's name. Memories seemed to haunt almost all his recharge cycles now, leaving him constantly thinking about them afterward. "Yes, Skyfire?"

"I was asking if you're ready to test the sterilization serum on the Hoard captives today," Skyfire said with a concerned look.

"Not today," Perceptor replied as he turned back to his workbench and the chemicals lined up for mixing a new hopefully more powerful detoxification agent for Cybertron's surface.

"Are you okay? You seem… preoccupied," Skyfire asked.

Perceptor glanced at him. "I have a lot on my mind. But I assure you I am perfectly well."

Skyfire stared at Perceptor for a long moment. "Well, if you need anything, just ask."

"Thank you for your offer." Perceptor turned his attention back to his work.

He sat still for a moment staring at his gathered items lined up neatly on his workspace bench. Since Drift had left, Perceptor knew he'd become more rigid in almost all aspects of his life, unwilling to bend to anyone else, with the exception of Swift. He didn't regret the final decision to keep their sparkling, but he did wonder if moving so quickly had been their ultimate undoing as far as their relationship was concerned.

He softly sighed air from his intakes, and pushed his wayward thoughts to the edges of his mind. Dwelling on the past would change nothing. Moving forward, working to restore their home world to a place his sparkling could finally step foot on was a goal he was trying hard to help achieve. There was simply no room for regrets and what could have been at this point. What was done was done.

…

Drift felt equally nervous and excited about seeing Swift. He was also still feeling unsettled and hurt after seeing them both the day before. Perceptor had been right there in front of him and yet it was like he light years away. There was so much Drift wanted to say to him but wasn't able to. How could he even begin to make up for two stellar cycles' worth of damage to their relationship? Frowning, Drift knew that he couldn't. All he could do was hold onto the tiny glimmer of hope that at some point Perceptor might forgive him.

He'd spent the previous evening with Blurr and Springer after seeing his family but chose to stick to regular energon as he watched his friends get overcharged on high grade. It taken a great deal of will power not to give into the desire for some numbing in liquid form, though. It had been _so_ tempting… But the last thing he wanted to turn into was his father. He'd made a decision that he wanted to be the type of father to Swift that he'd never had, and that meant trying his best to stay sober.

All his thoughts parted as he reached the hallway where Wheeljack and Ratchet's quarters were. Arriving at the door, he rang the buzzer and stepped back. The door whooshed open to reveal Wheeljack. Drift immediately noticed his blast mask was open, showing his whole face.

"Hey there, come on in," Wheeljack said, his head fins flashing as he spoke.

Drift stepped inside the small home and his gaze was immediately drawn to Swift sitting on the floor surrounded by what looked like several toys. The moment Swift saw Drift his optics brightened and he got to his feet, running over. He stopped just in front of Drift staring up at him.

"Hi," Swift said, smiling.

"Hello," Drift replied.

"We were settin' up the race track. Making it go 'round the couch," Wheeljack said as he gestured to the pile of toys.

Drift glanced at the pieces of track they had started to lay out. "I see."

Suddenly, he felt small hands take hold of his larger one and tug. "Come on! You'll help!" Swift said.

A strange of mix of emotions swirled inside Drift. The easy acceptance Swift offered him was incredible but at the same time Drift felt so undeserving of it. He followed his sparkling and they sat down side by side on the floor. Wheeljack joined them, and began snapping the pieces together.

Wheeljack held out a piece of track to Drift. "Here. You go 'round that way and we'll meet the track up on the other side."

Drift nodded as he took the piece. "Sounds like a plan."

Swift didn't seem interested taking part in the actual set up and watched them for a long moment before picking up one of his toy cars. "This is my favorite car. He'll be the first one to try it out." Swift held up a white sports car with red stripes along the sides for Drift to see. It looked just like Drift's Earth mode vehicle form.

Drift glanced at Wheeljack. "You made all the cars, right?"

Wheeljack nodded and smiled. "Sure did."

"Isn't it cool?" Swift said, hugging it to his chest.

"Very cool," Drift replied.

He and Wheeljack continued to snap track pieces together, ending up on opposite sides of the couch from one another. Swift stayed with Drift watching him. Glancing up, Drift canted his head at his sparkling. "Want to help? Or do you like supervising?"

Swift stared at Drift. "I never put the track together before."

"It's pretty easy. Here, I'll show you." Drift set the next piece down and lined up the notches. "See the how the pieces line up?"

Swift squatted down and inspected the pieces. "Yeah."

Drift pressed down and they the snapped into place. "They fit together like that."

"I wanna do one!" Swift set his toy car down and grabbed a piece of track. He frowned as he moved the piece around awkwardly, trying to line it up.

Drift reached over and gently guided the piece into the proper place. "Now push down."

Swift pressed his little hands down on the piece and it snapped in place. He laughed as he looked up Drift. "I wanna do another one!"

Seeing Swift so happy and interacting with him as if they'd known each other always, felt amazing. No judgment or anger in his sparkling's optics as he grinned and giggled. They continued their set up, and Drift reveled in this feeling of true acceptance Swift had offered him.

In no time at all, the track was completed and they all moved the start point. "Okay! Here he goes!" Swift said excitedly as he knelt beside the track and set his favorite car in place.

"Go for it," Wheeljack said with a laugh.

Swift gave his car a big push so it would roll down the track. He then narrated an exciting get away from 'bad guys' as his car made it's way through the twisting path they created. It was the most adorable thing Drift had ever witnessed in his life. A part of him was a little jealous, knowing Perceptor got to spend time like this with Swift everyday.

"Here." Swift picked up a blue car that looked suspiciously like Tracks and held it out for Drift to take. "You be this one."

"You know, it might be nice to let Drift pick the car he wants to play with," Wheeljack said as settled in a chair across from the couch.

"Oh." Swift put the blue car down and glanced up at Drift. "You can play with whichever one you want."

Drift lowered himself to sit beside Swift and picked up the blue car. "This one looks fun. I'll play with it."

A look of awe swept over Swift's face. "Okay."

They all spent most of the morning playing with the cars, and Swift made up complex plots and schemes that always required a race or car chase. Drift had never played like this when he was small, so he found himself easily sucked into the worlds Swift imagined.

Around midday, Wheeljack stepped away to prep a small cube of energon for Swift. He returned holding it out for Swift to take. "Time to fuel up, racer."

Swift took the cube, then glanced at Drift sitting next to him. "Can I sit on your lap?"

"Sure." Drift set the toy in his grasp down.

"Maybe you two should sit on the couch," Wheeljack said.

Drift glanced at Wheeljack, and could see by his expression there was probably a reason for the suggestion. He got up and stepped over the mess of cars and toys to sit down on the couch. Swift crawled up onto his lap, and after making himself comfortable he happily drank down his fuel.

"Done!" Swift announced as he waved the container in the air.

"Good job, racer," Wheeljack said as he took the empty container from Swift.

"Well, now what should we do?" Drift asked Swift.

His sparkling turned and curled up against him, fingering Drift's chest plate curiously. He found the affectionate way Swift treated him so surprising. "I'm tired."

"He usually takes a nap about now," Wheeljack commented as he finished rinsing the container at the sink next to the dispenser.

Drift glanced down to see Swift's optics go dark. He'd gone from full tilt to a full stop. Within less than a klik, Drift felt the soft vibration of Swift's little body as he entered a deep recharge.

"I'm surprised he wanted to nap with me," Drift said, staring at his little creation with awe.

Wheeljack sat back down in his chair. "You carried him. He may not have memory files of you, but his spark knows exactly who you are."

"You think?" Drift replied as he lightly ran his fingers over Swift's small arm.

"I don't 'think'. I know," Wheeljack said with absolute certainty in his voice.

Looking up, Drift wasn't sure how to take that statement.

"Look, it's not my place to say anything about you and Percy, but I've gotten pretty attached your sparkling. As someone who cares about him very much, I really do hope you push to be in his life as much as possible. He needs you." Wheeljack sounded very serious as he spoke.

"I want to be. But I have to defer to Percy," Drift replied.

Wheeljack frowned a little. "I get why you'd say that, but…" He dimmed his optics.  
"Thing is, the way you two played this morning, well, I've never seen Swift want to play with Percy like that." Wheeljack smiled a little as his gaze shifted to Swift. "He's usually more into puzzles and building things with Percy. You engaged Swift's big imagination in a way not even I can, and that's because you're his father, Drift."

Drift gazed down at his sparkling. He'd missed out on so much while he was away. It also worried him how Wheeljack spoke as if Perceptor might not forgive him. What Drift wanted more than anything else in the universe was his family intact and whole again.

_Please Primus, I need them_ both_ back… _

…

Within an orn, a new pattern had established itself for daily life. Perceptor still left Swift at Ratchet and Wheeljack's, but now Drift was a fixture in their home to spend the day with their sparkling. This meant that instead of staying to socialize in evenings with his friends, Perceptor picked up Swift and immediately returned home with him, doing his best to limit his interaction with Drift to only a few words.

Even those few moments of seeing Drift often left Perceptor upset afterward. He'd manage to hide how much it hurt until Swift was recharging, and then break down and cry when he was alone. Drift had been not just his bondmate and lover, but his best friend. The only mech he'd trusted fully and could be himself around without worry. Seeing him each day only served to remind him of what he'd once had and lost. The only thing he could think to do was pull inside himself further, but even that wasn't helping now. The constant ache of his spark and overwhelming loneliness seem to bleed into every waking moment.

Perceptor stood with Prowl, Skyfire, Kup, Springer and Optimus Prime at the containment unit for the captured Hoard specimens, trying his best not so show how ragged he felt from his constant internal struggle. The Hoard specimens had been given a sterilization serum several days earlier, and so far showed no signs of multiplying themselves.

"The serum appears to be taking effect the way it was intended. The only problem is, we spiked their lines directly. I have no idea how we'd use it on a wider scale to stop them from cloning," Skyfire explained.

"Can't we just dump that stuff on their heads or something?" Springer asked.

"It needs to be directly injected into their fuel lines so the serum can build up and corrupt their internal cloning system," Skyfire replied.

Kup chewed hard on his cygar as he shook his head. "Clearing out pockets of these fragging abominations is only controlling the population, not making it any smaller."

"Without an external way to block their cloning, we may have to resort to more extreme measures," Optimus said with a sigh of air from his intakes.

Perceptor stared at the mindless creatures in the containment unit, wandering around and chewing on the scrap metal left for them consume. They lacked higher brain function, and existed in a completely instinctual manner. Feeding was their only driving force.

"Perhaps we could poison them," Perceptor said after a moment.

Prowl turned to glare at Perceptor. "The planet is poisoned enough."

"Not poison the planet, poison _them_," Perceptor replied.

"How do you propose we do that?" Prowl asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.

Perceptor stared into the containment unit, refusing to look at Prowl. "I need time to further research their cloning ability, but perhaps we could adjust the serum to be ingestible."

"Poison a bunch of scrap metal and drop it for them to eat?" Springer asked.

Perceptor nodded.

Optimus rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "That seems like a viable option. My only concern would be exposure afterward. Does this serum render all Cybertronian life sterile?"

"We don't reproduce through cloning as they do, therefore the serum has no effect on us," Perceptor replied.

An awkward silence filled the air, making Perceptor acutely aware of his being the parent to the only sparkling currently on base. He could practically feel everyone turning to look at him.

"Then proceed with your research," Optimus said, finally. "And when you have performed another test, we'll meet again. This meeting is dismissed."

The group dispersed, and Perceptor walked with Skyfire back to their lab a few rooms away.

"That's a great idea, Percy," Skyfire said, sounding excited.

"It was the only logical choice," Perceptor replied.

Skyfire glanced at Perceptor, laughing a little. "Of course it was."

Entering their lab space, Perceptor was surprised to see Ratchet sitting at his workbench.

"Ratchet? Is something wrong with Swift?" Perceptor asked, worried.

Ratchet slid off the chair and shook his head at Perceptor. "Swift is fine, but I haven't seen you in almost an orn. Kinda thought we should talk."

"About?" Perceptor asked.

"Hey, you mind if I borrow him, Skyfire?" Ratchet asked.

"Sure, no problem," Skyfire replied.

Ratchet looked back at Perceptor. "Let's go for a walk."

Perceptor frowned at Ratchet, but relented. Ratchet wasn't normally the type of mech to insert himself into Perceptor's life, so whatever he had to say it must be important.

He followed his friend down the hallways toward medbay. They didn't say a word the entire walk. Entering medbay, Ratchet led them to his office. Once inside he shut the door and gestured to one of the chairs in front of his desk. "Have a seat."

Narrowing his optic at Ratchet, Perceptor sat down. "What is this about, Ratchet?"

"You," Ratchet replied simply as he sank into the chair beside Perceptor.

"What about me?" Perceptor asked.

Ratchet sharply focused his gaze on Perceptor. "I thought we were friends."

Frustrated by encrypted answers being offered, Perceptor deeply frowned. "I have important work to attend to in the lab. If there is a point to all this, then please enlighten me."

Sighing air from his intakes, Ratchet looked disappointed by his impatience. "You haven't been around at all, Percy. You used to stay and have some energon with us before you went home with Swift. Now you barely say two words and run off."

"Things are different now," Perceptor replied in a cold tone.

"'Cause Drift is there?" Ratchet asked.

"_Yes_, because Drift is there," Perceptor snapped. '_Wasn't that obvious?'_ he thought.

Ratchet's optics brightened a little at the sharp reply then they dimmed. "How long are you going to be mad at him?"

"Is this why you dragged me in here? To prod into my personal affairs?" Perceptor asked, his anger rising to the surface.

"Friends look out for one another. Talk to each other. I offered you support in dealing with this and instead you've become distant and detached from the few of us you even let a little bit close to you." Ratchet's words were harsh, but it was clear how concerned he was about Perceptor, too.

"I Perceptor couldn't look at him, and shifted his gaze to the floor. "I don't need your help. I am dealing with the situation."

"Are you? Ratchet asked.'Cause it doesn't look like it to me. Seems like you're just avoiding everyone now."

Perceptor balled his hands into fists and looked up, glaring at Ratchet. "What do you want me to say, Ratchet? That I'm weak and a failure at being a proper parent? That I can't handle my own problems? That I am a bad friend to you and Wheeljack?"

Ratchet stared at Perceptor for a long moment. "Honestly, I'm just worried since you've practically gone into hiding. I knew with Drift returning was going to be hard for you, but I thought you'd at least know that me or 'Jack are here for you to lean on."

Perceptor furrowed his brow and frowned. "The last thing I want to be is a burden. _Especially_ to you or Wheeljack after all you've done for me."

"Percy… You aren't a burden. You're my _friend_. I care about you. I worry about you. Don't think for a second I wouldn't be willing to let you talk to me about anything." Ratchet reached over and put a hand on Perceptor's forearm. "You can tell me anything. It won't leave this room. I promise."

Staring at Ratchet's hand, something inside Perceptor started to give way. He'd been repressing how he felt, hiding how hurt and upset he was. But was telling Ratchet really going to achieve anything? What would be the point? He honestly didn't see how revealing all the darkness seething inside him would help matters.

"I can see you thinking," Ratchet said with a sad smile. "Holding in everything is toxic. Trust me, I know from experience."

Ratchet's prodding tipped Perceptor's already delicate emotional state sideways and he finally gave in. "If you must know, I _hate_ him," Perceptor replied.

"Who, Drift?" Ratchet asked in a softened voice.

Perceptor glanced down at the floor, nodding. "I hate him so much. I hate him for deceiving me. For taking my spark and then breaking it." Tears he usually reserved for late at night when he was alone, surfaced. "I look at Swift and see him, more so now than ever. I hate that after I pick up Swift in the afternoons I'm then forced to listen to him go on and on about how much fun he had with him. I hate that he had to go and ruin everything over something that could have been easily remedied all because he didn't tell me what was happening. But more than any of that, I hate him for making me _weak_."

"You're anything but weak, Percy." Ratchet gave Perceptor's arm a squeeze. "You've shown the most amazing strength in all you do for Swift. I was honestly afraid your time with the Wrecker crew had made you into just another cold, unfeeling warrior. Between Drift and then Swift, that sweet, kind-sparked Perceptor I knew came back to the surface. Thing is, Percy, until you face Drift and talk to him, this pain you're in won't stop."

Perceptor looked up at Ratchet. "I can't face him."

Ratchet canted his head. "Why not?"

"Because…"

Ratchet dimmed his optics. "Because you don't really hate him at all, do you?"

"No, I don't." Tears rolled down Perceptor's face. "I still love him," he whispered. "And that is why I'm _weak_."

Ratchet smiled. "Percy…That doesn't make you weak. There isn't anything wrong with loving the mech you're bonded to. Relationships are hard work, though. You think me and 'Jack always get along? Come'on. I'm a total aft sometimes. We fight. We make up."

Perceptor wiped his face with his hand. "This is different than an argument, Ratchet. He _left_ us."

Softly sighing air from his intakes, Ratchet pulled his hand back. "Would you let me offer some observations?"

Perceptor nodded as he continued to wipe his face with his hands, trying to regain some measure of composure.

"I see a lot of love is still there between you two and that you both deeply love your sparkling. Love is very important in any relationship, but there's a lot more to it than just that. You two moved really fast. You weren't living together on base for more than a half a stellar cycle when suddenly you were bonded with a sparkling. No time to get to know each other, no time to learn how to best communicate with one another. And trust me on this, that stuff takes time to develop." Ratchet patted Perceptor's arm. "Talking to him is the only way you're going to feel better about all this."

Everything Ratchet said was true. Perceptor had been so swept up in the moment, he didn't even think about the mechanics of relationship being as important as the emotional connection that drove it. Still, facing Drift was a rather daunting prospect at this point. "I'm frightened I might not hold myself together in front of him, though."

"So?" Ratchet sadly smiled. "Tell him everything you just told me."

Perceptor's optic brightened. "I couldn't do that."

"Why not? You have every right to be mad at him. Tell him what an aft he was. Tell him he fragged up on an epic scale. If you two love each other as much as I think you do, then it'll be all right," Ratchet replied. "After that, get to the core of why he did what he did without talking to you. At this point you've shut him out, so until you open the lines of communication, things will stay like they are."

Perceptor's posture sunk. It was at that moment he realized there was no way he could continue on indefinitely like this. Things needed to change if not for himself, then for Swift. He wanted be a strong and loving parent for his sparkling, but would never be able to properly provide him that in such an emotionally crippled state. "I will speak with him."

Ratchet smiled. "Good."

…

The last orn had been bittersweet for Drift. Spending his days with Swift, playing and getting to know him had been wonderful. The creative nature of his sparkling was strikingly similar to how he remembered he was at the same age. The difference being that Swift had the encouragement and care Drift had been denied.

Pushing his favorite car along, Swift narrated his latest plotline. "He's got go get his best friend to help him 'cause there's too many bad guys to fight alone." He bumped his car into the one Drift had. "Hey! We gotta save them!"

Drift had been playing with a red car over the last few days. "Let's go."

"Vrooom!" Swift made engine noises as they each pushed their cars towards the 'captives'.

The door suddenly whooshed open and Perceptor walked in with Ratchet.

Swift's attention immediately shifted and he got up to run over to Perceptor, abandoning the toys and Drift. Settling against the couch, Drift quietly watched them. Perceptor smiled down at Swift and then picked him up, hugging him close.

"Hello little one," Perceptor said as he placed a kiss to Swift's forehelm.

"Hi!" Swift snuggled himself against Perceptor.

Drift was reminded every afternoon that he was nothing more than an outsider. While he and Swift did connect in their time together, it was clear just how much closer he was to Perceptor. There was simply no way to make up for all the time lost.

Wheeljack started to pick up the toys, and Drift decided to stop watching them and help. It had been made abundantly clear that Perceptor wanted nothing to do with him now and staring longingly at them wouldn't change anything.

"Thanks, Drift," Wheeljack said as they both picked up the toy explosion.

"Least I can do," Drift replied.

The white car that Swift deemed his favorite had been left amidst the mess. Drift picked it up and gazed at it for a moment.

"They are spoiling you," Perceptor said as he walked over with Swift in his grip.

Drift didn't dare look up, though. He held the white car in one hand while depositing the others into the container with the other.

"Someday Swift, you're going to have to be on clean up duty around here," Ratchet said with a little laugh.

"He picks up at home," Perceptor replied. "Swift, I think you are forgetting something, though. A certain toy vehicle?"

"Huh?" Swift twisted and looked down. "My car!"

Drift glanced up at them now standing next to him. His spark ached in his chest with so much longing for his mate. Smiling, Drift sat back on his heels and held up the toy.

Swift grabbed hold of it and hugged it to his small chest. "Thank you!"

"You're welcome." Drift couldn't help himself, glancing from Swift to Perceptor. To his surprise, Perceptor was looking right at him. He also found it somewhat strange his mate wasn't trying to bolt out the door like he'd done the last orn.

They held one another's gaze for a moment that seemed to stretch on without end. Drift could see all the hurt Perceptor carried written across his face. There was something else in his expression Drift couldn't place, though, a hesitation of some sort. Perceptor then opened his mouth slightly only to shut it and press his lips together tightly.

"Just ask, Percy," Ratchet suddenly said, which startled Drift. He looked over at the medic who was apparently expecting something specific to happen.

"Once Swift is down for the night, I'd like you to stop by so we may talk," Perceptor suddenly blurted out.

Stunned by the offer, his gaze snapped back to Perceptor. "You… _want_ me to come by?"

"Drift is gonna come play at our house?" Swift asked.

"No, little one." Perceptor pressed his cheek to Swift's helm. "Drift and I need a moment to speak to one another."

"Sure, I'll come by," Drift replied, completely taken by surprise. He suspected Ratchet had probably meddled, but even if he had Drift didn't care. To finally have the chance to speak with Perceptor alone was all that mattered. A chance to finally apologize face to face…

"I'll comm you once he's down for the night," Perceptor replied.

Drift nodded.

"Say goodbye?" Perceptor asked as he looked down at Swift.

"Bye! Play with you tomorrow," Swift said to Drift.

"Bye," Drift replied.

He watched his family then walk out the door. His mind was left racing with all the things he wanted to say to Perceptor. How much he loved him, how horrible he felt about making such bad choice, how he wanted a chance to rebuilt their relationship. Then a stray thought occurred to him. What if Perceptor didn't want what he did? What if he didn't love him anymore?

"Don't frag it up," Ratchet said as he walked over the dispenser and filled a cube up.

Wheeljack frowned at Ratchet.

Ratchet took a long swig of his energon. "No offense, Drift, but you're still an idiot in my book. I challenge you to do your best to prove me wrong," he said narrowing his optics and smiling.

"Ratch!" Wheeljack said in a scolding tone.

Drift had spent enough time around Ratchet to know name calling usually meant he cared about the mech he was berating. "I will do anything it takes to fix the mess I made."

Ratchet's smile faded. "It's not about fixing, but healing."

Drift nodded. Healing would take time, and that meant having patience, which wasn't really his strong suit. Wing constantly told him when they would spar that the reason he kept losing was his impatience. Funny how much of what Wing said to him back then was making a lot more sense to him now. Especially Wing's words about love: _Love is the most powerful force in this universe. It can bring even the most powerful of mechs to their knees. _Drift would crawl through the darkest depths to right his wrongs. He'd do anything it took to have Percy back in his life and his family whole again. Anything…

* * *

_A/N- Once reaching the bottom, the only place to go is up. ^.^ Thanks for all the awesome reviews! There is only one chapter left to go… I hope you all are enjoying the story._


	5. Ready to Suffer

Title: Graceless - Ready to Suffer

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/G1

Rating: T+

Warnings: M-preg, sparkling (OC), interfacing of the sticky variety

IDW based but definitely A/U. References to Drift back-story from IDW.

Title borrowed from "Shake it Out" by Florence + the Machine, which is the main inspirational song for this fic.

"And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back  
So shake him off, oh woah!

I am done with my graceless heart  
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart," … 'Shake it Out' by Florence + the Machine

* * *

Sliding the door to Swift's room closed, Perceptor wandered out into the living area. He stood still, blankly staring at the couch as he gathered up his courage to go through with comm'ing Drift. He reminded himself of all that Ratchet had said, and how things would never move forward unless he allowed it to.

With a sigh of air from his intakes, he opened his comm line and pinged Drift.

:: Percy? :: Drift quickly answered.

Perceptor paused and dimmed his optics. He could hear a fearful hope laced in Drift's one word response. :: Swift is down for the night. So… you may come by now. ::

:: Be right there, :: Drift replied.

As the line closed, Perceptor's anxiety intensified. While part of him remained angry, another part was terrified of the large unknown now before him. Perceptor had always preferred that life's variables be in his control. It made him feel secure. He had falsely assumed that despite Drift's rather unpredictable ways, their love would ground him. Shaking his head, he wondered if maybe they were simply too different to ever truly make this work.

His comm line pinged.

:: Yes? :: Perceptor replied.

:: I didn't want to wake Swift. I'm outside, :: Drift replied.

Perceptor sucked in another deep draught of air and let it filter through his intakes. Steeling himself, he walked to the door and pressed the release.

Drift stood on the other side, looking just as nervous as Perceptor felt. "Come in."

Nodding, Drift stepped inside. He stopped a few paces in, glancing around the place they'd once both called home. Perceptor studied his face and posture. He seemed curious as he looked around, but also quite tense as he lightly fiddled with his hip sword sheaths.

After a moment, light blue optics focused on Perceptor. "Should we sit?" Drift asked.

Perceptor nodded and they awkwardly sat side-by-side on the couch. Perceptor focused his gaze to his hands as he mentally gathered himself. He needed to be strong and not let Drift's ability to turn everything on it's head confuse him.

"After some reflection, I realized that we should not continue on in this way. It's not good for Swift. He needs loving, stable parents," Perceptor said, as he stared down at his hands. "I think our awkward interactions are confusing for him, and possibly damaging to his development."

"I agree," Drift replied.

Perceptor then let his gaze lift to Drift. Calling on all his inner strength, he decided to speak his mind like Ratchet suggested. It was far more terrifying than he'd anticipated. His spark was pulsing so hard in his chest, he was sure it might crack its chamber. Depending on how Drift responded, this could very well be the ultimate ending to their relationship. "I'd like to speak my peace, if you'll indulge me."

Drift's somewhat serious expression shifted a worried one. "Yeah, sure."

"Now knowing the reason behind why you left us, I am left feeling betrayed. I honestly can't quite grasp how a medical condition that's commonly associated with carriers resulted in all this." Perceptor vaguely shook his head. "All you had to do was _tell_ me. Had you done that, everything would be how it was intended to be. We'd be a family… But now I—" Perceptor cut himself off. He was starting to tremble from all his emotions swirling inside him, trying to burst out all at once. Hurt, anger, abandonment, longing... "I no longer feel that I can trust you. Not just because of what you chose to do, but because you didn't trust _me_ enough to communicate what you were experiencing."

Drift's face fell. He looked like he might start to cry, which an odd visual for Perceptor. Drift had always appeared so strong and unbreakable, but he suddenly looked so fragile.

"All I can say is that I'm sorry. _So_ sorry." Drift's optics were glossy as he seemed to try to hold back his tears. "No matter how much I say it, it will never be enough. I know that. Primus, Percy, if you hated me forever, I'd understand. I can't take it back. I can't undo my mistake. I... don't know what to do. I just—" Drift dimmed his optics. "I want to make it right. Tell me how, and I'll do it."

"I don't think there is any one thing to do to make it 'right'," Perceptor replied.

Drift looked down at his lap and nodded as he pressed his lips together tightly.

"Though, I would very much like to know why you felt you couldn't tell me about your condition," Perceptor said.

Drift glanced back at him. "I didn't tell you partly 'cause I thought maybe something was fundamentally wrong with me. I felt the same way back when I was a Decepticon. I thought I was defective." He then furrowed his brow and frowned. "Plus, I've always handled things on my own my whole life. I thought it was my problem and I needed to deal with it. I didn't want to drag you two into it."

Dumbstruck, Perceptor stared at Drift for a long moment. He could somewhat understand mistaking the symptoms, but thinking he had to deal with something that affected their family on his own? "We are bondmates, Drift. We made a lifetime commitment to one another. That means when something happens that affects our relationship we are suppose to discuss it. Deal with it together. Not make a unilateral decision that in turn affects our whole family."

Drift frowned. "I didn't think about it that way."

Shaking his head, Perceptor frowned back. "How could you not? Bondmates make decisions together, talk about how to resolve issues that arise. I'm sure your parents discussed such things. This is no different."

Drift's optics dimmed and a hurt look swept over his face. "I only grew up with one parent."

And just like that, all the venom and anger inside Perceptor evaporated as Ratchet's words suddenly echoed in his mind: _No time to get to know each other.._. Perceptor had no idea Drift was raised by only one parent. None. Just like how he had no idea his mate was artistic until he gave Swift that journal of images. In fact, Drift had never mentioned anything regarding his life before becoming a Decepticon. This one new bit of information put Drift's actions into a whole new light. What else about his mate's past might affect his choices now that Perceptor had no clue about?

"We don't really know each other very well, do we?" Perceptor asked, as his doubts about finding a way to reconcile crept in. "I know nothing of your life before you were a Decepticon."

"And I don't know anything about yours before the war, either," Drift replied.

Drift was right. He hadn't told him much about his past. They had been so busy surviving and fighting, that reminiscing about their pasts almost felt like a luxury. Drift tended to exist moment to moment, and Perceptor realized that he had allowed himself to swept up into Drift's way of being.

"If you think knowing about my past will help repair the damage I've done, I'll tell you anything you want." Drift sounded so desperate to not lose Perceptor. "I just can't promise you'll like what you hear." There was so much hurt and fear written across Drift's face.

They could end things now. Be trapped with their bond, but no longer a couple. By doing that, Swift's development and understanding of relationships would be forever altered, even with his exposure to mechs like Ratchet and Wheeljack.

But that was only a part of the overall issue. Perceptor was tired of being angry and hurt all the time. Staring at Drift, he knew he'd chosen this mech to be his bondmate. Whether it had been a hasty choice or not, it couldn't be undone. More than that, Perceptor knew that despite everything that happened, despite all the anger and hurt he now carried, despite the breech of trust, despite all of it… He still very much _loved_ Drift. He didn't want to end things, but he was at a loss as to how to bridge the gap between them.

"I'm not quite sure how to solve this particular problem that's been created," Perceptor replied.

Drift looked so dejected. "I'll go along with whatever you think is best."

Sighing air from his intakes, Perceptor suddenly wished this were one of his lab experiments. When things went awry, he would adjust the parameters of the experiment and try again. His optics brightened. That was a thought… Maybe they _could_ apply the same idea to their relationship. Get to know one another now and work on the problems their lack of communicating properly had caused.

"Perhaps we should start over," Perceptor said after a moment.

Drift looked confused. "Start over? What do you mean?"

"Try this all again, but adjust the parameters. Reset our relationship, as it were," Perceptor replied.

"We're already bonded, Percy," Drift said with a small frown. "And we have a sparkling."

Perceptor nodded. "Yes. But we need to get to know one another. Our initial time together was spent fighting and subsisting. Starting again in a different setting may help us build something stronger."

Drift looked unconvinced. "How can we just forget everything that's happened?"

"We don't. We use what we know to inform us as we reset and try again. Clearly one large issue we need to work on is communication," Perceptor replied. He felt hope glimmering for the first time in so long. He knew they'd need to work hard on healing the hurt they'd caused one another, but if Drift was willing to try then there was a chance for them to finally reconcile. "By starting again and focusing on the weak points that led us here, I think we have a reasonable chance at being successful."

Drift's face lit up, seeming to understand what Perceptor was proposing. "Okay. So… what do we do? Should I move back in here?"

"I'm afraid I'm not ready for that," Perceptor replied. "Why don't we do what we might have done before the war and date?"

Drift half-frowned. "Um, okay."

Perceptor canted his head. "You seem unsure."

"I've never gone on a real date before, Percy," Drift replied, with a sheepish look.

Surprised, Perceptor stared at Drift for a moment. He was so handsome, how in the world had he not ever dated? And what did he mean 'real date'? "Really?"

"I haven't lived a very conventional life." Drift offered a nervous smile. "I have a general idea what it entails, though."

Perceptor nodded. "How about we go out tomorrow evening?"

"Sure," Drift replied.

"Then it's a date." For the first time in stellar cycles, Perceptor's spark fluttered in the happy, excited way it had when they'd first kissed. "In the end, I think we both want the same thing, and while it will take work to regain ground lost between us, I think it will be worth the effort. Not just for us, but for Swift, too."

Drift nodded in agreement, then canted his head. "Percy?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for giving me another chance," Drift said, dimming his optics.

"I learned that everyone deserves a second chance from a certain former Decepticon," Perceptor replied with a small smile.

Drift grinned back. "I really do love you so much, Percy."

Perceptor gazed at Drift. "And despite everything, I still love you, Drift."

Tears pooled on Drift's optics as he stared back at Perceptor. "You have no idea how much that means to me."

Reaching out, Perceptor placed his hand on Drift's hand. "Actually, I think I do," Perceptor replied.

…

It had been a long day of playing with Swift, and patiently waiting for the time he'd agreed to retrieve Perceptor for their 'date'. Perceptor had wanted some time with Swift before leaving him for the evening, so Drift found he had a small chunk of time to kill while he waited.

As thrilled as he was about Perceptor's declaration of love and offer to try and reconcile, Drift remained deeply worried about revealing his less than stellar past to him. Perceptor was the type of mech that probably never knew what an empty fuel tank felt like before the war, let alone how that sensation had led to desperate acts on Drift's part.

Frowning, Drift walked slowly toward the communal washracks for his assigned barracks. He rubbed at a sticky spot on his abdomen where Swift had spilled his energon earlier. If he was going to take Perceptor out, he figured he should at least clean up a little.

As he walked into the washrack area, he noticed a few mechs in the back row, but it was relatively empty. His comm line then pinged. It was Blurr.

:: Hello, Blurr. :: Drift said.

:: Hey, what are you doing? :: Blurr replied.

:: About to get washed up, why? :: Drift picked up a drying cloth and deposited it on a bench in an empty stall.

:: Well, when you're done come down to the bar and have drinks with me and Springer, okay? :: Blurr replied in a chipper tone.

:: I would, but I have a, uh, date. :: Drift replied.

:: Wait, what! With _who?_ :: Blurr practically yelled over the comm.

Drift winced at the volume, but then laughed a little. :: With Percy. ::

:: News flash: You guys are bonded! :: Blurr said with a laugh.

:: We are trying a 'reset' for our relationship. He thought dating would be a good way to do it, :: Drift explained.

:: That's a pretty cool idea. Hey! Don't use the washracks in the barracks. Come to my place, 'kay? :: Blurr said.

:: That's not necessary— ::

:: Yes it is! Get your aft to my quarters. I won't take 'no' for an answer! :: Blurr sounded serious and excited all at once.

Drift shook his head and smiled. He still had a lot of time before seeing Perceptor. :: Yeah, all right. I'm on my way. ::

Shortly after, he walked down the corridor to Blurr's room. Arriving, he saw the door was left open and he peered inside. Blurr stood staring at a collection of various shaped containers lined up on his desk.

Drift leaned against the doorway. "I really could have just used the communal washracks, Blurr," he said with a smile.

Blurr spun around, his optics brightening. "No way! I'm going make you look _nice_ for your date." Blurr dashed across his quarters and grabbed hold of Drift's wrist, tugging him inside. "My personal washrack is through that door. Clean up and then I'll help you with the rest."

"The rest of what?" Drift asked.

Blurr grinned. "Waxing that dull chassis of yours. Now go!" Blurr gently pushed Drift toward the private washrack door.

Primus, what had he gotten himself into?

…

Ratchet and Wheeljack had just arrived at Perceptor's quarters to watch Swift for the evening. Swift ran around, talking non-stop. He was more hyper than usual due to having visitors in their usually quiet home.

"This one is my second favorite 'cause it's like my white one, but then it's got this cool thing on the back." Swift held out one of his toy cars to show Wheeljack.

"Yeah, I know, I made it," Wheeljack replied, laughing.

Swift grinned, then picked up one of the other toys in the pile around his feet. "I know you made them. But you haven't seen these ones in a long time since they live here. I only bring my white car with me when I come over."

Wheeljack continued to laugh. "I suppose that's true."

Ratchet glanced at Perceptor. "I can already tell this will be an interesting evening."

"Good luck putting him down for the night," Perceptor replied.

"Maybe he'll tire himself out?" Ratchet said as Swift went running back into his room.

"Perhaps," Perceptor replied, with a chuckle.

Swift came running back out, arms filled with more toys. He dumped them on the floor, making a loud clatter.

"Maybe we should just go to your room, and you can show us in there, instead of dragging everything out here?" Wheeljack suggested, patting Swift's helm.

Suddenly the door buzzed. Perceptor nearly jumped at the sound. He was more nervous about this outing that he'd anticipated. His spark raced in his chest as he walked to the door. He paused, his hand hovering over the controls for a moment before he finally pressed the release.

The door opened revealing Drift. Perceptor stared with a wide optic at his mate, or more specifically his extremely shiny plating. It was so polished Perceptor could see his own reflection clearly in it. Swift came running up and stopped beside Perceptor, staring up at Drift.

"Why are you all _shiny_?" Swift asked in an almost accusatory tone.

"My friend thought I should look nice," Drift replied to Swift. He then looked back up at Perceptor, half-frowning. "Blurr went a little overboard."

"I see that," Perceptor replied with a small smile.

The discomfort on Drift's face lifted and he smiled back at Perceptor.

"Come in! We'll play and then watch broadcasts," Swift said excitedly.

"You're playing with me and Wheeljack, remember?" Ratchet said as he stepped over and scooped Swift up from behind, holding him to his chest. His gaze then raked over Drift's frame and he laughed. "Wow."

Perceptor shot Ratchet a disapproving frown.

Ratchet didn't seem to care, though. "Say goodnight to your fathers, Swift."

Swift pouted. "Noooo…"

Perceptor leaned over and nuzzled Swift's forehelm before staring into his small, bright optics. "Be good for Ratchet and Wheeljack. This is no different than when you are at their home, understand?"

Swift nodded, but continued to pout.

Placing a gentle to kiss to his nose, Perceptor leaned back and smiled. "I will see you later, little one."

Swift whined. "I don't _want_ you to go."

Those words tugged at Perceptor's spark. He couldn't help but feel selfish for leaving Swift behind like this.

Ratchet heaved a loud sigh of air. "Go already. You're only making it worse standing there looking like a kicked turbo-puppy. Shoo!"

Tears welled on Swift's optics, as he squirmed in Ratchet's hold. "Don't go!"

Fingers brushed his wrist, and Perceptor flinched. Drift immediately snapped his reach back. "He'll be okay." Drift glanced at Swift. "Right?"

A full on tantrum engulfed Swift as he pushed against Ratchet and started to cry.

Wheeljack appeared in the entryway, taking Swift from Ratchet's grasp. Clearly annoyed, Ratchet grabbed Perceptor's arm, harshly pushing him over the threshold. "You coddle him too much, Percy. He'll be fine once you're gone… so _go_."

Perceptor stepped out into the hallway.

"Have a good time," Ratchet said, though he didn't sound entirely sincere. The door then slid closed.

They stood side by side in the hall, both staring at the closed door.

"This feels quite awkward," Perceptor said after a moment.

"The date part or the leaving Swift part?" Drift asked.

"Leaving him here like this." Perceptor softly sighed air from his intakes. "I didn't think he'd have such a strong reaction."

"He loves you," Drift replied, sadness edging his voice.

Perceptor glanced at Drift. "He loves you, too."

Drift vaguely shook his head. "Not the same way."

Only moments into their first outing, and Perceptor already felt as if he'd ruined the evening. Glancing at Drift's shiny shoulder, Perceptor stared at his reflection. He reached up, touching the paneling with a finger. "Blurr really did shine you," he said, in a lame attempt at changing the subject.

Drift frowned. "He meant well."

Yes, he was doing a fantastic job at starting out on the wrong foot. "I mean to say, that you do look very nice," Perceptor added, attempting to salvage the situation.

"I look ridiculous, but thank you," Drift replied as he glanced at Perceptor. "So, I figured you had a plan for the night. Or, well, I was hoping you did."

Perceptor smiled a little. At least Drift wasn't ready to toss in the towel yet. "I do actually." True to his nature, he'd already planned out what he wanted them to do on this first date.

Drift looked somewhat relived at the reply.

"Follow me," Perceptor said as he turned and started walking down the hallway.

As they walked in silence, Perceptor tried to put his guilt about leaving Swift out of his mind. He knew his sparkling was in a good care and there were bigger issues to tend to this evening. Drift and their attempt to reconcile was the priority. Not just for Perceptor's benefit, but for Swift's too. This broken family's chances at being whole again rested on whether or not he and Drift could mend the damages done.

…

Drift's spark wouldn't stop nervously fluttering. He followed Perceptor to the energon bar where Perceptor had insisted on buying him a cube. With energon in hand, they took the elevator to the top level of the base.

During the ride up, Drift thought about how impotent he felt in the hallway earlier. Perceptor had jerked away from him, and Swift had been purely focused on his mate. He'd had nothing to contribute to help ease the situation. Ratchet seemed like more a part of his family than he was. He stared at his energon, wondering if there really was any room for him with Perceptor and Swift now. That thought made his spark ache.

The elevator came to a stop, and they stepped out.

"I thought we could sit in the observation lounge. It is usually empty. I like to go there for a private area to work on my research sometimes," Perceptor said as he took a right down the corridor.

"Sounds good," Drift replied.

Entering the area, it was dark and quiet. The lights were kept low, so the view wouldn't be diminished. Drift stared out the window as he followed Perceptor toward the center of the long bench seating. Cybertron floated in the distance, glowing and reflecting the starlight that hit it.

They sat down side-by-side on the bench, both gazing out at the view.

"From here it almost looks normal," Drift said after a moment, breaking the silence.

"Things tend to look different from a distance," Perceptor replied. He then looked over at Drift. "I'm surprised you didn't want a cube of high grade. I would have been happy to indulge you."

Again, Drift's spark fluttered at the almost chivalrous role Perceptor had taken on for the evening. He glanced at his mate and half smiled. "Thanks, but I think I need to lay off high-grade. I was self-medicating with it on the transport ship."

"I see." Perceptor took a sip of his own cube. "I'm a bit awkward when it comes to art of conversation and we didn't exactly start off this evening how I'd hoped, but since we are alone up here, I thought we could talk some about our lives. Are you agreeable to that?"

Drift tensed slightly. He'd kept a lot about his life unsaid for very specific reasons. He nodded, though.

"I realize this is a bit forced, but I think with practice we'll get better at it," Perceptor said.

"Maybe you should go first, so I can get an idea of what you want to know," Drift replied.

Perceptor gazed at Drift for a moment. "I can certainly do that." He held his cube in his lap, shifting his attention back out the window. "Well, I was raised by research scientists. Shocking, I know."

Drift smiled at the joke as he gazed at Perceptor's profile from the side with his optic. He was so beautiful, and so unlike anyone Drift had ever known before.

"It seems I was created more out of obligation than desire. Affection was in short supply during my sparklinghood. As I got older I started to recognize that other sparklings were treated very differently than I was. In the end, I believe I was really nothing more than another experiment for my parents. Their concerns were centered on my scholastic achievements, and very little else." Perceptor's optic dimmed as he looked down at his energon cube. "I was very lonely growing up. I don't want Swift to ever feel that, which maybe why I tend to be overly affectionate with him."

"I don't think you are too affectionate with him," Drift quietly replied.

Perceptor glanced at Drift. "As you saw, Ratchet scolds me for coddling him. I tend to carry him everywhere instead of making him walk. I can't help myself, though. I like having him close to me."

Drift shook his head, annoyed at how Ratchet could be so overbearing. "What does Ratchet know? Swift loves you. That's all that matters."

A small smile curved Perceptor's lips. Primus, that smile was enough to light the darkest corners of Drift's being.

"So tell me about your single parent upbringing," Perceptor said, his expression sobering a little as his smile thinned.

Drift immediately shifted his gaze back to Cybertron in the distance, tensing at the sudden shift in subject.

"I apologize. I didn't mean to push," Perceptor said, his voice growing soft.

"You really should know. I just—" Drift looked down and fingered his still full cube, trying to find the right words to describe so much wrong. "I never really cared what anyone thought of me before. But I don't want you to think less of me. Or have your view of me tainted by what I've done."

"Are you not the mech that saved me from death? The one that changed sides in the war? The one I fell in love with? Had our amazing sparkling with? I don't expect perfection, Drift. I am well aware we all have short-comings," Perceptor replied.

Drift sadly smiled, as he continued to stare at his energon. Looking Perceptor in the face as he described what a gutter mech he truly was would simply be too hard. He quietly cycled air through his intakes. He needed to just get it all out and over with.

"I have very faded memories of my fathers together. I was only a stellar cycle old when the father that carried me killed himself." He gently squeezed the energon container in his grasp. "My surviving father didn't take it very well. He drank himself into a stupor almost every night. He'd go through bouts of trying to clean up and take better care of me, but it never lasted very long. Thanks to his drinking, he couldn't keep a steady job and we moved a lot. I'd sometimes go for days without any energon." Drift glanced back out at the planet in the distance. "When I got older, I started stealing to survive. Once I had my final upgrades as an adult, I ran away from him. I went as far as I could, ending up in the slums. I sold my body for credits, since I pretty much had no other options." He winced at his open admission to selling himself. It was the lowest any mech could fall on Cybertron, but he had been starving. He had done what he had to.

"Did you not attend school at all?" Perceptor asked.

"No. We moved too much," Drift replied. "Eventually, I was provoked into a brawl in the alleys. I killed a mech with my fists in retaliation for the death of my friend. Next thing I knew I was being asked to fight for Megatron."

Silence then fell. Neither said a word, and Drift couldn't bring himself to look at Perceptor.

"You have survived quite a bit more than I imagined," Perceptor said after a long moment.

Rallying all his courage, Drift finally looked over at Perceptor. He fully expected to see judgment and disgust on his mate's face. Instead, Perceptor looked… awed.

Drift wasn't sure how to react, since Perceptor hadn't responded how he'd expected. Even Wing had pitied him when he alluded to his past. "I did what I had to."

Perceptor nodded at Drift. "Your inner strength never ceases to amaze me." He then set his cube down on the bench beside him and scooted closer. He lifted Drift's arm up and slid under, making himself comfortable against him as he leaned his helm back against Drift's shoulder. Drift wrapped his arm around Perceptor's body and hugged him to his side. His spark fluttered in his chest at the physical contact. Primus, he hadn't held Perceptor in over two stellar cycles. It felt _amazing_. Silence reigned as they sat cuddled close in the darkened room, staring out at their homeworld.

Drift was cautiously optimistic. If Perceptor could look at him like that, and then want to be close to him after he'd told him his darkest secret from his past, he knew that hope for them was finally growing brighter again. He just needed to be patient and wait for these emotional wounds he'd inflicted to heal.

* * *

_A/N- So, I have most of the next chapter written. I was going to end this all in one go, but it got waaaay too long for a single chapter. So here is a slighter shorter chapter and the final will be posted very soon. Thanks again for the wonderful feedback! _


	6. Ready to Hope

Title: Graceless – Ready to Hope

Author: pl2363

Series: Transformers AU/G1

Rating: M (Sparkbonding, kissing)

Warnings: M-preg, sparkling (OC), interfacing of the sticky variety

IDW based but definitely A/U. References to Drift back-story from IDW.

Title borrowed from "Shake it Out" by Florence + the Machine, which is the main inspirational song for this fic.

"It's a harder way  
And it's come to claim her  
And I always say  
We should be together," … 'Breath of Life' by Florence + the Machine

* * *

They stood like a pair of younglings at the door; lips locked, glossa entwined. Drift's hands held Perceptor tightly around his waist, as Perceptor cupped his mate's beautiful face in his hands. Primus, Perceptor loved how Drift tasted, the warmth of his plating where their bodies touched. He especially loved the sensation of desire and love, mixing and melding, filling him from helm to pede. It was something he'd never felt before meeting Drift. And it was so amazing to feel it again, even for this brief moment.

They had been dating for some time. Progress made in small milestones. Emotional wounds were tended to and slowly healing. Much of the anger he'd felt had long since faded. The only things left standing in the way of complete reconciliation was his remaining lack of trust and an indefinable distance between them. He knew that Drift would never repeat what he'd done, but his spark he still felt unsure. Wrapped up in the fear of 'what if'.

Their kiss finally broke, and Drift gently bumped his forehelm against Perceptor's in a playful gesture. They gazed deeply into one another's optics. They had talked at length. Spoken of all their darkest fears, their brightest hopes. Yet, it wasn't enough. Had there simply been too much damage done? No way to reach through the thick glass wall between them?

"Percy," Drift said, his voice low and soft.

"Hm?"

Drift's fingers flexed against Perceptor's waist. "Nothing... I should go."

Hesitation. Drift hesitated so much now. It was disconcerting to Perceptor and inevitably caused him to falter as well.

"All right," he replied, then withdrew his hands.

A flicker of sadness swept over Drift's face at the loss of touch.

Drift stole one last little kiss before letting go of Perceptor. "Night."

"Goodnight, Drift," Perceptor replied.

Drift smiled then turned, making his way down the corridor. His walk was so smooth and graceful, sword sheaths barely moving at his sides as he silently padded away. Perceptor watched his beautiful bondmate, wondering how many more times he'd have to bear witness to this repeating scene. Eventually, Drift turned at the end of the corridor and slipped out of sight.

With a small sigh, Perceptor palmed the door to his quarters open. Ratchet and Wheeljack were inside, waiting for his return. Well, Ratchet was waiting anyway. Wheeljack was leaned back against the couch with his optics offlined, recharging.

Ratchet glanced at Perceptor. "Out like a light," he said in a hushed voice. "Eh, both of them," he added, jerking his head at the hallway and Swift's room beyond.

Perceptor nodded and smiled.

"So, late night. Anything _happen?_" Ratchet asked, his optics glinting brighter for a moment.

"Drift is an honorable mech, and my honor is still quite intact," Perceptor replied.

"It's been orns, now. What are you waiting for?" Ratchet asked with a dubious look.

Perceptor shrugged a shoulder. "I don't really know."

Ratchet narrowed his optics. "You love him?"

"Yes," Perceptor replied. "But there are remaining issues left unresolved."

Ratchet frowned. "I certainly don't mind sparkling sitting for you, but this is getting ridiculous. It's been orns now. I think you guys are getting too comfortable with how things are. At some point you're going to have to make a final push to be a family again. You know, just jump in and do it."

"I know," Perceptor replied.

Ratchet turned and gently poked Wheeljack.

Wheeljack jerked at the prodding, his optics flaring on then dimming. "Oh, hey, Percy."

Ratchet pushed to stand. Glancing back at his mate, he offered his hand. "Need me to carry you home?"

Chuckling, Wheeljack shook his head and stood up without the offered assistance. He looked over at Perceptor. "Have a nice time?"

"Yes, I did," Perceptor replied.

"Well, we're heading back. See you tomorrow, Percy," Ratchet said.

"Good night," Perceptor replied.

"Night," they said almost in unison.

Perceptor watched them exit his quarters. Ratchet reached out and draped his arm across Wheeljack's back.

Stepping over the threshold, Ratchet gave Wheeljack a small squeeze. "You sure you don't need me to carry you?" Ratchet asked.

Wheeljack chuckled. "Nah, I think I'll make it. Though, it's always good to have a medic on hand."

They both laughed as they made their way down the hallway. Perceptor moved to stand in the doorway, watching them until they turned the corner. They'd been together for a very long time, and seemed to communicate so much without any words. It was more than just the touches and body language. Ratchet's normally gruff demeanor always softened around Wheeljack. It had to be their open bond that helped them so easily communicate.

Perceptor touched his chest. He and Drift had shared sparks only once, and due to time and lack of additional spark merges, their bond had gone dormant. He frowned as he wondered if that was part of the remaining fear and distance he felt.

Perceptor dimmed his optics as he ducked back inside his quarters. He turned out the lighting and wandered to his room, mulling over their evening.

Drift had decided to take Perceptor someplace different than where they'd been spending their evenings. Tonight he took him out the racetrack and offered to drive Perceptor around in his alt mode. Transforming into his microscope mode, Perceptor rode in the passenger seat, strapped in for safety. He didn't quite understand the allure of riding along until the first turn Drift took, fishtailing his back end. Perceptor felt all the pressures and sway pass through his own body. It was an accelerating sensation he enjoyed far more than he'd ever imagined. It had turned out to be a wonderfully fun evening.

Now he lay here alone in his berth. A place he'd once so long ago shared with Drift. He rolled to his side and reached out in the darkness pressing his fingers to the empty space beside him. In all this time, he'd never gotten used to recharging in the middle of the double sized berth, staying on the side he was familiar with.

His mind told him Drift belonged here again to make their family whole. His body ached for his mate's warm embrace. It was his spark that wavered. Still so afraid. But why? It fluttered when they were together. It pounded when they kissed. So why was the hesitation there?

"Maybe it needs to be reminded?" Perceptor asked himself in a whisper, coming back to his thoughts of their bond and spark merging. He rolled onto his back and tapped at the center of his chest.

Even if that were the reason, it seemed like they were light years away from sharing a berth again, let alone spark merging. The space between them remained, despite how hard they were working to reconcile. It then occurred to Perceptor that he'd been waiting for Drift to make the first move towards something more than dates and that maybe that was wrong approach. Maybe he should be the one to reach out, instead. Show him that he was ready for more between them, despite his remaining fears. After all, he shouldn't let fear rule his actions.

If they skipped ahead to spark merging they'd have a direct connection to one another, creating a way to share how they felt without anything there to filter or confuse. Emotions could be passed directly through their sparks in the process. It would unveil the remaining hidden issues and he could face his fears directly and see what it was that held Drift back.

Perceptor glanced at the empty space beside him in the berth, and with a surge of courage he opened his comm line to ping Drift.

…

Drift rolled over on his berth, flopping to his front. He found recharging the nights after their dates nearly impossible. A dull ache radiated out from his spark, making his entire being ache as a result. It had been orns of waiting, talking, working toward finding his place with Perceptor again. But after each outing he'd walk away, feeling defeated by his own mistakes. Fearing he'd never earn the forgiveness he so desperately wanted, and too scared of pushing Perceptor away by asking for any thing more than what was offered.

These were the times he found it hardest to stay put and not wander to the energon bar. He was just so tired of the pain and no way to make it stop. He wasn't sure he could endure it all much longer without somehow numbing himself.

Suddenly, his comm line pinged. To his complete surprise it was Perceptor.

:: Percy? Everything all right? :: Drift asked, concerned as he shifted to sit up.

:: Yes and no, :: Perceptor replied.

Perceptor was usually direct, making his grey reply worrisome. Drift vaguely frowned. :: I don't understand. ::

:: I would like you to come over. :: Perceptor sounded very serious.

Drift's frown deepened. :: Right now? ::

:: Yes. If you wouldn't mind. ::

It wasn't that he didn't mind, more that he didn't understand what was going on. :: I'll be right there.::

Drift plucked his great sword from the spot he stowed it beside the berth and slid it into place against his back. He exited his quarters, mind racing. What could be so urgent that Perceptor would call him over late at night?

The trek between the barracks didn't take long, and with long strides Drift made his way down the hallway towards what had once been his home with Perceptor. Arriving at the door, he found it had been left open, and his mate stood just inside, apparently waiting for him.

"Thank you for coming over," Perceptor said, a small, warm smile pulling at his lips.

That smile immediately helped diffuse some of Drift's anxiety. "Sure."

"I wanted to ask you about something." Perceptor moved to close the door, then turned to face Drift.

Drift canted his head, then nodded.

"I want to bridge this space between us," Perceptor said in a very solemn tone.

"Space?" Drift asked.

Perceptor nodded, uncertainty washing over his face. "Yes." Sighing air from his intakes, Perceptor sadly smiled. "Tell me. Why do we continue to part ways each night? The ultimate goal is to be a whole family again. Is it not?"

"It is," Drift replied, dimming his optics.

"It's been several orns, and I fear we are settling into this middle space of not quite back together." Perceptor frowned. "It's as if we can't get past this plateaued progress we're at."

Drift wasn't settling into anything. He hated this nether world they were in, but he didn't know how push beyond it without possibly damaging things between them all over again.

"After some thought, it occurred to me that there is a somewhat extreme measure we might employ," Perceptor said as he stepped close to Drift and took his hand.

Distracted by the touch, Drift glanced down at their linked hands.

"How would you feel about spark merging?" Perceptor asked.

Drift's attention quickly darted back up. "Spark merging?"

Hope mixed with fear crossed Perceptor's face. "Yes."

"That's sort of skipping some steps… isn't it?" Drift asked, letting his uncertainty lace his voice.

Perceptor pressed closer and squeezed Drift's hand. "Words are only getting us so far. With a direct link, sharing would be far more productive since we'd be able to avoid the traps and confusion language often poses. Besides, I don't believe it would be harmful since we _are_ already bonded."

Drift felt unsure. What if they linked and it went badly? What if Drift hadn't fully redeemed himself yet? "Are you really sure you want to try something like that?"

"I do. I wouldn't suggest this if I didn't think it would be beneficial. That said, I also do not wish to push you into something you are not ready for," Perceptor replied.

Drift gazed into Perceptor's optimistic face, trying to convince himself that his fears were unfounded. Perceptor would never offer if he didn't truly feel it was the right thing to do. With a heave of air through his intakes, he decided to place his trust in his mate. "Okay."

Perceptor smiled, clearly relieved by Drift's approval. "Are you willing to try it now?"

Drift nodded. "Yeah, sure."

"Excellent." Perceptor pulled him by their linked hands down the hallway.

Drift's spark was fluttering and shuddering in his chest. Both terrified and hopeful that maybe he'd finally earned that elusive forgiveness he'd been seeking.

Once in the room, Perceptor let go of Drift's hand to slide the door shut. Drift stood in the middle glancing around. Not much had changed since he'd been here last. Holoframes lined the same shelf he remembered. Filled with images of them together, the Wrecker crew and one with Swift during his first few days online.

"You haven't been in here since you left," Perceptor said quietly.

"I know." Drift glanced over at him, sadly smiling. He then reached behind him, detaching the great sword and carefully propping it up against the berthside table. Perceptor remained standing near the door, nervously fiddling with his fingers as he stared at the berth.

"You okay?" Drift asked after a moment.

"Oh, I'm fine. I'm just a little anxious." Perceptor finally moved and walked over to stand next to Drift. "The theory is sound, but in practice it's a bit more daunting a task to initiate than I was imagining."

Drift was nervous, too. They stood together, staring at the berth for a very long and very uncomfortable moment.

Drift half-frowned. If his mate was willing to offer this, he decided he could certainly do his part to help. Gathering his courage, he turned toward Perceptor and took hold of his hands. He then sat down on the berth and scooted back, gently pulling Perceptor over top of him as he angled himself to lie down. After rearranging themselves, they settled against each other. Drift smiled up at his beautiful mate now draped over him. "Hope you don't mind me 'initiating'."

A shy smile curved Perceptor's lips. "Not at all."

They hadn't been in a berth together in stellar cycles. Drift lightly ran his fingers down Perceptor's sides, remembering every plating seam, every ridge, and every little shape.

Perceptor's optic dimmed, responding to the touches. He then leaned down, pressing his lips to Drift's. Heat flashed over his internal systems, instantly charging. Drift parted his lips and their glossae met between, tangling and teasing. Drift's arousal instantly spiked. Making out in the hallway was one thing. The public nature of it kept his desire in check. Here, they were alone, and it had been so long since he'd interfaced with Perceptor. He writhed against his mate, and he let his hands roam over Perceptor's heated plating. Shifting, Drift parted his legs and Perceptor's hips pushed flat against his own, aligning their interface array covers together.

Perceptor suddenly pushed back, breaking the kiss. He stared down at Drift, readjusting his optic's focus. "As lovely as this is, it wasn't really my intention…"

Sighing air from his intakes, Drift sheepishly smiled. "I know. I'm sorry."

Perceptor smiled a little. "Don't be." He pressed a reverent kiss to the tip of Drift's nose guard. "Shall we try merging?"

"Sure," Drift replied as he gave Perceptor a small squeeze.

A ripple of anxiety renewed itself inside Drift as he watched Perceptor's chest plate part to reveal his spark. He stared at it's beautiful, pulsing light, mesmerized for a moment before he sent the command signals to open his own chest plate.

He hoped with all his spark that he was finally forgiven. That Perceptor wanted him here with him, always. Merging would reveal all the things they truly felt for one another, so he'd know one way or the other. That thought sent a shiver of fear though his chassis.

Perceptor eased himself down, pressing their chests flush and tucking his face against Drift's neck. Drift's grip on his mate tightened in response to the sudden surge of energy that expanded between them. His spark reached outward, meeting with the slower pulse of Perceptor's. It felt familiar, calming, warm.

Reality slid away as their sparks began to pulse in rhythm. Soon, they'd established a strong connection, opening a floodgate of emotion between them. Drift quickly found himself overwhelmed with a singular powerful emotion that rushed through him with unrelenting force: love. He responded with his own love, and their twinned emotions melded into one another. Drift happily let himself sink into that incredible feeling, reveling in it.

A twinge of something else edged in that he couldn't identify. Then, without warning images went zipping through his mind. Images from Perceptor's point of view that showed Swift's growth and development. His first words, his happy laughter, his focused interest in new things. It hurt so much to see, though, and Drift's spark ached at the loss of something that would never be regained.

'Why are you sad? I simply wanted to share this with you…' Perceptor's thoughts came through as words directly into his processor.

'I missed so much,' Drift replied.

'You are here now,' Perceptor replied.

Here but not here. Together but not. Drift winced, guilt slicing through him, and pushing him away from Perceptor. He didn't deserve this devotion being offered to him. He didn't deserve someone as amazing as Perceptor. He didn't deserve the forgiveness he wanted so badly. He was a gutter mech, no matter how much he wished otherwise, echoing his own parentage by abandoning his family. He had wanted to protect them, but in the end hurt them.

Perceptor's energy rippled hard against Drift's spark. 'There it is…'

'What is?' Drift asked, now feeling so lost. He realized he no longer felt Perceptor's love. Where had it gone? Had Perceptor taken it away?

'The space.' Perceptor suddenly felt distant, despite their connection. 'A wall you constructed of guilt. Drift, I've forgiven you. Swift has forgiven you. Perhaps you need to work on forgiving _yourself_.'

Forgive himself? Perceptor seemed to be light years away from him now, his words left rolling around in Drift's mind. A life of nothing but the painful feeling of being unwanted or abandoned, and here he was recreating it all over again with the one mech that was offering him everything he'd ever wanted by pushing him away. What the frag was wrong with him?

A memory file came roaring to the surface. Drift was helpless to stop it.

.-.-.-.-.

_Landing on his back, a grunt was forced from Drift's vocalizer. Wing had pinned him. This daily fight for his freedom was so fragging annoying. In reality he knew he could slip away in the night and they'd never know, but something about that seemed wrong. Drift wanted to earn his way out of here. Prove he was more than just another deceitful Decepticon._

"_Brute force really doesn't suit you, Decepticon," Wing said with a wry smile. _

"_Stop calling me that," Drift replied, kicking himself free, and flipping Wing over. _

_They both scrambled to regain control, but once again, Drift lost his footing, landing on the ground with a thud. Wing's hands held Drift's arms at the wrists over his head, and he seated himself square over his middle, making kicking free impossible this time._

_Wing leaned forward, his golden optics shining with amusement. "I'm starting to think you don't want to be free. That you'd rather lose."_

_Drift deeply frowned. "Think what you want. I could care less."_

"_I don't believe that. You have a fiery spark, and you are more than capable of pinning me, yet day after day we end things like this. As if you are looking to fail. Expecting it." Wing dimmed his optics. "If you would like to stay here with us, all you need to do is ask."_

_Anger roared to the surface at the implication that Drift wanted to hide away from the war their race was raging. "Sit in a pretty little home, drinking fancy energon and pretending a war isn't happening out there? No thanks."_

_Wing studied his face for a long moment. "Someday, you're going to have to let go of the past pain you've endured. If you continue to carry it around it will eventually become too heavy a burden and _crush_ you."_

"_Always with the metaphors." Drift hated when Wing would analyze him. It made him uneasy. He wanted to change the subject before Wing would inevitably touch on things Drift didn't want to talk about. He bucked his hips up against Wing's aft. "If you're going to insist on putting me in compromising positions, you could at least put out once in a while."_

"_One day all that denial and self hatred will catch up to you." Wing half-smiled. "And keep dreaming about getting me to 'put out'."_

_Drift grinned. At least Wing kept his days here interesting._

.-.-.-.-.

The memory file ended as quickly as it started. Let go of his pain… He was being more than crushed under it. He was losing everything that mattered because of it.

No. He refused to let his past dictate his future. He wanted his family back. He wanted his place with them back. Drawing on every ounce of his spark's energy, Drift reached out over the spark connection for Perceptor. He was on the threshold of having everything that meant the world to him. No way in Pit was he going to give this chance up because of some sick need for self-inflicted misery.

Energy surged within in his spark, and abruptly the darkness of his doubt lifted away and he was pulled into the overpowering light and love of his bondmate. It felt as Perceptor was all around him.

No words were needed, as the intense love he felt within the light of their sparks wrapped around them and wove them together.

'I love you.' Thoughts turned to words and shared between them.

After all this time, Drift finally started to see that moving forward sometimes meant letting go. It was such a simple idea, and yet much harder to do than he'd imagined. Even now, he knew this was only a step in a longer journey. He was more than willing to follow it through. He loved Perceptor. He'd do whatever it took to not just heal their relationship but apparently heal himself, too. That really was the only way to truly grow and be the mech he wanted to be for his family.

Without warning, an overload hit hard, cresting over both of them.

His optics flared, the physical world of their bodies and the internal connection of their sparks crashed into one another. He arched under Perceptor, his vision blanking to white as the intense release of energy exploded within him.

After that, he offlined.

…

A nagging feeling Drift couldn't quite place drew him toward consciousness. He didn't immediately online his optics, taking a moment to enjoy the weight of Perceptor over him. It had been so long since he'd held his mate close. He wanted to bask in the moment as long as possible.

The memories from the previous evening's spark merge flitted over his processor. He was filled with much more self doubt and hate than he'd been willing to accept until now. Being able to finally see it helped him let go of things he'd been clinging to, like his days living hand to mouth. He thought he'd hidden large pieces of himself to protect Perceptor, but now realized he'd done it to hide from himself. Remaking who he was required more than changing his ways. It required facing the darkness in himself and purging it. With Perceptor's unrelenting love reminding him that he wasn't that dark, desperate mech anymore, he knew that healing might finally be possible.

His thoughts paused as that nagging feeling that woke him returned. It almost felt like he was being watched. He dimly lit his optics. His gaze was met with two small brightly shining optics, peering just over the edge of the berth.

He smiled at Swift. "Morning," Drift whispered.

"You had a stay over?" Swift whispered back.

Drift nodded.

Swift's gaze shifted to Perceptor for a long moment, then he glanced back over at Drift. "My fuel tank is empty… Can you get me some energon?" Swift asked.

Perceptor stirred, his fingers curling against Drift's chest as he dimly lit his optics. "We've discussed entering without knocking, Swift."

Guilt swept over Swift's little face. "But! I need my energon and you didn't answer when I knocked!"

"I can get it for him," Drift said.

Perceptor slid partway off Drift and propped himself up on one elbow, while draping his other arm over Drift's chest. "Go wait in the living area, and I'll be right there."

"Okay." Swift ran toward the door, then stopped and looked back at Drift. "You going to stay and play with me today?"

"That might be a possibility," Drift replied.

Swift grinned, then ran out of the room.

Drift glanced at Perceptor who was already gazing at him with a small smile.

"Morning," Drift said.

"Good morning," Perceptor replied. "Last night was quite productive."

Drift snaked an arm around Perceptor's waist. "If you mean that I'm a fragged up disaster who still can't believe someone as amazing as you could still love me that much, then…uh… sure."

Perceptor scooted up, and dipped down to press a gentle kiss to Drift's nose. "I never expected you to be perfect. I love you for the amazing mech you are. Since we first met, you've constantly challenged my notions of the world. Shown me that anything is possible."

Drift reached up and ran the back of his fingers over Perceptor's cheek. "Primus, I love you so much."

Perceptor pressed his face into the light touch. "This is your home, Drift. We are your family."

"Sooo… does that mean I'm staying here now?" Drift asked.

With a broad smile, Perceptor nodded. "You belong here."

Drift cupped Perceptor's face and pulled him down so their lips met in a lovely kiss. Warmth spread between their linked mouths, and Drift felt his spark swell in his chest with all his affection for Perceptor.

"Um, excuse me! Can you do that after I have some energon?" Swift said, interrupting them.

Drift stifled a laugh as the kiss broke, and Perceptor shot a stern look in Swift's direction.

"We'll be right there, Swift," Perceptor replied.

"Hurry up!" Swift then disappeared, his footsteps echoing in the hallway.

Perceptor glanced at Drift. "You can't laugh when he behaves like that, or he won't learn."

"I'm sorry," Drift replied, grinning. "He's just so fragging cute."

Perceptor canted his head, a small smile returning to his lips. "A trait he acquired from _you_."

"Blaming me? I see how it is," Drift replied with a laugh.

They both grew quiet, staring into one another's optics.

"This feels right," Perceptor said in a softened voice.

"Yeah, it does," Drift replied.

Pushing himself up, Perceptor crawled over Drift and slid off the berth to stand up. He turned around and extended his hand. "Shall we?"

Drift took the hand and got to his feet. He gave Perceptor's hand in his grasp a small squeeze, eliciting a smile from his mate. He knew not everything would fall into place and be perfect, but for the first time he felt like his world was stabilizing. Perceptor's energy signature within his spark felt stronger than before, comforting and unrelenting in its affection. Nothing in Drift's life had lasted long, upheaval being the main driving force behind everything that shaped who he was. This was his chance to find his center and be still. Let life happen around him and stop long enough to actually enjoy it.

…

Epilogue:

"When we get to the medical wing, you need to keep your voice down, okay?" Drift said to Swift.

They walked side by side down the base hallway; with Drift firmly holding his sparkling's hand.

"Okay," Swift replied.

It had been a stellar cycle since he'd moved back into his home with Perceptor and Swift. In that time, a lot of things had changed.

Cybertron was brought back from the brink and rebuilding efforts were beginning on the surface, though nothing was ready for habitation yet. The mutant insecticons had been eradicated, and the toxicity brought down to safe levels. After tense negotiations with the Decepticons, an agreement was reached as to how to divide up the planet along with extending the cease-fire agreements.

In that same amount of time, Swift had grown quite a bit. When Drift first returned, Swift stood about mid-thigh height. Now he was just a little taller than Drift's hip. Drift glanced down at his sparkling, smiling. Over the course of the last stellar cycle, he had worked hard on rebuilding his relationships with Perceptor and Swift. It was worth every ounce of effort he put in. He'd become stronger and surer of himself and his place in their little family unit with each passing day.

They entered medbay and were directed by the medical staff toward the corridor where the private rooms were.

Swift squeezed Drift's hand. "Dad's in here?"

"The room second from the end," Drift replied.

Reaching the open doorway, Swift peered around the corner. "Dad!" he yelled, seeing Perceptor on the medical berth.

His outburst stirred the tiny sparkling sprawled over Perceptor's chest. His two little optics lit and their brand new family member began to cry.

Drift dropped into a squatted position, turning Swift to face him. "I said not to yell."

Swift covered his mouth with both hands. "I forgot," he said through his fingers.

Drift put his hand on Swift's helm and shook his head. "I know you're excited to see Dad and your brother, but you have remember to keep your volume in check."

Nodding, Swift looked appropriately sorry for what he'd done. Drift hardly felt the need to discipline, so when he did say something it usually had a strong impact on Swift.

He got back to his feet, and heaved Swift up into his grasp. Being larger, it made hanging onto Swift quite a task as he walked over to the berth.

Patting their new sparkling's back, Perceptor easily calmed their new sparkling and then glanced up at his visitors. "Hello, you two."

"He's so small," Swift said in awe.

Drift struggled to hold Swift on his hip.

"You were that small once. Though I'd say you're really too big for your father to hold you like that," Perceptor said, smiling at the comical sight. "Why don't you both sit on the berth?"

"If you insist," Drift replied as he laughed a little and sat down. He held Swift in his lap, wrapping an arm around his sparkling's waist. They both focused their attention on the new addition curled up on Perceptor's chest. The little sparkling stared back at them curiously. He looked just like Drift, all white with the same helm and body shape. The only difference was his turquoise forearms that matched Swift and Perceptor's.

"He looks just like you, Daddy Drift," Swift said as he glanced back at Drift.

"You two have matching forearms and hands, though," Drift replied.

Swift turned back to look at his brother and then grinned as he saw the matching coloring. "What's his name gonna be?"

"We named him Chase," Perceptor replied.

Drift hugged Swift close, resting his chin on his little red helm. He shifted his gaze to Perceptor. "You feeling okay?"

"Tired, still. Ratchet said my slower spark will take longer to recover than yours did," Perceptor replied.

"Can I hold him?" Swift asked.

"I think you're a little young to hold him," Drift said as he patted Swift's arm with his free hand.

Perceptor carefully sat himself up, cradling Chase in the crook of his elbow. "You may touch his helm, Swift. Just be gentle."

Swift leaned forward in Drift's grip and lightly ran his small black fingers over Chase's helm, tracing its shapes. Chase stared at his brother then made a happy chirped sound as he smiled.

Swift giggled. "He likes it!"

Drift gave Swift a small squeeze as he gazed at Chase. He'd missed out on so much with Swift. With Chase, Drift had a second chance to be there for the small milestones of development he'd make as he grew. Unlike Swift's impromptu creation, they'd chosen to create this little sparkling. A choice made after a lot of discussion about how both he and Perceptor had always wished they'd had siblings. Having two to care for would be more work, but Drift was more than willing to do it. Their sparklings deserved all the things he and Perceptor had been denied growing up.

Chase squeaked again, shifting his gaze to Perceptor and frowning.

"He wants something?" Swift asked.

"His energon, I imagine," Perceptor replied. He reached for a conical container filled with a bright pink energon on the berthside table. The moment the end of the container was near Chase's mouth, he grabbed hold of it and clamped his little mouth over the end, happily sucking down the fuel.

"My energon isn't that pink," Swift said with a small frown.

"It has extra nutrients and additives you don't need now that you're bigger," Perceptor replied.

Swift leaned back against Drift, quietly watching. Perceptor glanced up at Drift and warmly smiled. "That is a sight I will never tire of seeing."

"What?" Swift asked.

"The two of you together," Perceptor replied.

Drift's spark swelled in response.

Chase abruptly shoved the half empty container away. Perceptor placed it on the berthside table, and sat him on his leg, holding him up around his small middle. Chase flailed his arms outward reaching for Swift's foot, which was resting on the berth. He grabbed hold and squeezed Swift's toe, staring at it intently.

Swift started to giggle, but he remained still, letting his brother examine it. "That's my foot, Chase. You have two feet, you know."

Chase looked up and then smiled.

In the gutters, starving and driven to desperation, Drift never imagined he'd be sitting in a place like this with two sparklings and a loving bondmate. It felt good to know that despite everything stacked against him, he'd arrived here anyway. That he'd survived and now thrived.

Drift squeezed Swift again, pressing a kiss to his helm.

"You're squishing me!" Swift said with a half-sparked attempt to free himself.

Perceptor chuckled and lifted Chase up, holding him to his chest. "See these two here?" he said to Chase. "They are the most amazing mechs you will ever meet." Perceptor's gaze softened as he glanced at Drift.

Drift could feel their love for one another swelling in his spark. This love had most certainly brought him to his knees. Humbled him. And he wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

_A/N- Goodness, that took forever to write… Done now, though! I hope you all enjoyed it… Despite the overly sweet ending. _


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